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Alright, one of the good things about being a farmer is that the world is my bathroom. Now, I don't mean in the sense that I need to carry around a pooper-scooper to clean up behind myself. It's just that I have the freedom to pee wherever I want, whenever I am stricken by the mood. More than once, I've pee'd off the top step of the combine while I unload grain into the truck. It's somewhat liberating.
One of the bad things about being a farmer is that the world is my bathroom. Having the freedom to pee whenever the mood strikes me has left me with pretty much the bladder of an 80 year old. If I need to pee, I had better go quickly or i am going to be in trouble.
So, anyways, we spent the last week in beautiful Puerto Vallerta, Mexico. It was very lovely. To the South of our resort, I think around a mile and a half away (for the sake of this story, you can imagine it was at least 5 miles.) was a stone wall. Two times, I struck out to make it to this wall. The flaw in my first two attempts was that it was in the afternoon after a few rums. I got about a third of the way the first time, about half the way the second. Both attempts fell short. Both because I was stricken with the necessity to pee. (The second time, I actually considered going into the ocean to relieve myself. I didn't though.) On both failed attempts, if you had passed me on my way back to the bathroom, you might have mistaken me for someone who was actually a little bit ripped. This would only be because by the time I made it back, every muscle in my body between my chest and knees was so clenched, it actually looked like I had bulging muscles. (which in reality I don't, but I don't mind if you imagine I do.) The third attempt, I made it, only because, I headed out early enough that the bars hadn't opened yet, and did not contain enough liquid in me that I was able to complete the trip. It was starting to get a little pressing though, by the time I made it back.
Turns out the rock wall was one side of an inlet into a marina, and it was quite a nice thing to see some of the sail boats heading in and out of the bay. There was also a few fellows fishing there and I would have liked to have a few more minutes to spend to look around.
So now, I guess that I need to go into pee muscle clenching exercises so that I can actually walk more than a mile or two before I find myself in dire circumstances. Still though, it's at least two more years I think, before I can do a tropical vacation again so maybe I'm still OK to pee off the top step of the tractor for a while before I start to train.
.........oh, also, I was a little disappointed in the number of people who just look away when you smile and say good morning as you walk on the beach. A lot of the ones who did though had farmer tans and tractor company hats on their heads.
This is funny!! Pee muscle clenching - kegels - for dude farmers is pretty funny
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if there might be some money to be made in putting out an instructional DVD? I could be the pee clenching guru?
DeleteThe world's your oyster...or...toilet in this case!
ReplyDeleteDamn right....does a bear shit in the woods!
DeleteOh Ken, I don't know which is funnier...imagining you peeing off the combine, or picturing you having to turn around to go back to your resort to pee.
ReplyDeleteI've always envied the ease with which men can pee outside! No risk of mooning someone, no bizarre contortions necessary, and best of all, no need to worry if that leaf you just used was suspicious looking or not.
For me, peeing off the top step is probably the less stressful situation.
DeleteI think that that might be one of the biggest things that I think women are missing out on. Being able to pee off of tall things is awesome. Like off a bridge into a river, off the top of a stack of bales, anything tall and outdoors, I suppose? Rest assured, if your in a group of people outdoors, looking off some cliff, there's at least a couple of the guys wondering what it would be like to pee off of it.
There for a while I thought since the world is your bathroom that making it all the way to the wall meant you could pee on it :)
ReplyDeleteThe fishermen might not have appreciated that. But the walk back might have been a little more relaxed if I had?
DeleteThis post reminds me that I've been at my computer too long and I need to pee.
ReplyDeleteThe sacrifices that we have to make to do this! Somebody should be giving out medals or something?
DeleteHmm... So you're saying if I'm about to go on a date, I should save up my pee so I look jacked? Genius!
ReplyDeleteYou can give it a try, but I think if that's the plan you're going with, you might want to mix in an adult diaper. Or I predict the evening ending rather poorly. That or you'll have an awesome first date story to tell the kids?
DeleteTo pee or not to pee, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind, to suffer the pee pee dance and pants wetting misfortune.
ReplyDeleteTiming is everything, lest you find yourself boldly going where no man has gone before?
DeleteAnd here you are giving me shit about pissing off my deck! Tis a great thing living in farm country isn't it?
ReplyDeleteIt is Dan. I also have to carry a roll of toilet paper in the tractor with me just in case I get stricken. You never know when nature will call.
DeleteOh that is the worst feeling when you've gotta go and can't. I would've just gone into the ocean.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I hate when people don't return my smile and greeting!
I had considered it, but I thought it might be obvious what was going on with the fellow, waist deep in the ocean with the look of relief on his face. And you can bet, every person that had been wandering past avoiding eye contact, would have stopped to watch what was happening.
DeleteThanks for talking about the marina....I had just settled in...
ReplyDeleteI guess it a good choice not to play the ocean sounds with this post?
DeleteDo you pee in your fields? Do other farmers do the same thing? I'll never look at fresh produce the same way again.
ReplyDeleteI won't tell anyone if you don't.
DeletePlus, the times I go are going to be pretty hit and miss with something landing in your crisper. You should probably worry more about the 3 inches of cow shit I spread across the field in the fall.