Monday, January 09, 2017

#204. or, Coffee with Steve and me.

   For Christmas, not this one that just passed, but the previous one, I received what may be the greatest gift any male child of the 70's could ever receive. A boxed set of the entire run, plus all the additional movies, of The Six Million Dollar Man. I started working my way through them last winter, took a break over the summer, and now that winter has properly set in again, I've resumed my viewing pleasure.

  And OH, what a pleasure it is!

  I can almost smell a hint of Hi Karate cologne on the air as former astronaut, turned cyborg, government operative Steve Austin struts about in his bell-bottomed, polyester leisure suit, with his shirt unbuttoned halfway and his ample chest hair waving luxuriously in the breeze. Dude had it goin' on.

  I tried to get The Boy to sit and enjoy all the manly awesomeness of the greatest show from my childhood, but he just doesn't appreciate quality television.

  "Hey Son, wanna watch the greatest TV show ever made?"

  "Do I have to?"


  "Damn, alright. What's it about?"

  "OK! There's this cool guy, Steve Austin..."

  "The wrestler?"

  "No no no, Way before the wrestler, and even more way way cooler! He's a test pilot and astronaut! He's been to the moon! Here, watch this iconic 70's television intro. It pretty much explains everything."

  "So, he's part machine, and he's got like superpowers, sorta. And he can run really fast? Why is he moving so slow?"


  "Why is he in slow motion? He is, like literally, the slowest guy in the show."

  "OH. No no no, That's special effects! He's running really fast!"

  "So, when he runs in slow motion, he's actually running faster than everybody, even though it's slower than everyone else." "Why don't they just show him running really fast?"

  "Because that would be ridiculous."

  "Ugh, I can't do this, I'm going downstairs."

  So, The boy won't watch it with me, and if I make him, he's just an even grumpier teen and all unappreciative about it. My wife will watch with me, but I can tell she's far less enthralled with it than I am. Lately, I've taken to having my morning coffee in my mancave/office, tossing in a DVD and topping up my nostalgia quota, just Steve and I.

  Some of the things I've noticed from revisiting the series are.

  1: Everyone is blissfully oblivious. Not only is Steve Austin dashingly handsome, he walked on the freaking moon. You would have thought he would have attained some sort of national notoriety. In fact, he is often recognized as The-Steve-Austin-Who-Walked-On-The-Moon, but only by the good and law abiding citizens. Yet, nefarious criminal masterminds are easily duped by a false moustache and changing his name to something like Steve Ferguson.

  2: Crop tops and short shorts never go out of style. They were just as prevalent back then as they are now. Except in the 70's, it was men's fashion.

  3: You would not believe the amount of classified government intelligence that was discussed over payphones.

  4:  My City Cousin showed wisdom well beyond his preteen years when he wanted to be Steve's boss Oscar Goldman, instead of the bionic man. Oscar Goldman DID have a phone in his car. Appropriated the funds to build not less than 3 bionic people, plus a dog. Pretty much took control of the Navy in one episode, and NASA in another. Plus, he had a goddamn bar in his office!

  5: Steve Austin was a horn dog. It's not a stretch to imagine, if at least half the episodes ran 10 minutes longer, the bionic man having excessively hairy 1970's sex with the leading female interests in each of those episodes.

  6: By the fifth and final season, half of the United States, and a handful of female Soviet Government operatives were well aware of Steve Austins bionic abilities, which was supposed to require a level 6 endorsement to be privy to. Again, except evil doers, of course.

   Aside from the nostalgia, I've noticed they get a lot of their news out of the paper, and spend a significant amount of time trying to get ahold of each other. It's kind of a weird thing to think about, considering it was a tech driven show.

  It was a simpler time. Maybe that's why I enjoy it so much. I've got multiple social media accounts and it seems, the more I go on them, the more angry people I have in my feeds. Which in turn, negatively affects my well being. I just want to be happy for a bit, and my coffee with Steve in the morning has been facilitating that to some extent.

  I'm gonna be sort of sad when I get to the end of this box set.

  ...............however, I received a new box set this Christmas, and when Steve can't stop for coffee anymore, I think my old friend James T Kirk is gonna hang out for a bit.