Sunday, July 15, 2012

#101. or, being a beach'in dude

  We spent the greater majority of last week camping. It was lovely out with the temperatures in the 30's almost every day. It was nice to get away for a bit and just take some time to relax. I think I needed that. While we were camping I spent part of my time people watching.(you can read about that here.)

  Also while we were gone, we went down to the lake everyday and spent some time on the beach. It used to be, that I was too wired to just sit on the beach. I couldn't stay for more than a half an hour before I was getting up to go for a walk or something. It seems that as I get older, it's easier just to hang out in the sun and the sand.

  Lately, I've been thinking a bit about what it means to be a dude. Mostly because I've been submitting some of my posts to the Dude Write Challenge. So, in an effort to help achieve maximum beachy dudliness, I've come up with a few general guidelines to help you not look like a complete idiot while wearing the least amount of clothes possible without being completely naked.

 1. If there's a choice, pit toilets should probably be avoided when you're at the beach in +30C weather. (90's F) It's safe to say, you shouldn't be staking your claim to the beach anywhere within a 100 ft radius of any outhouse. It's sort of like the government imposed 200 mile unsafe zone around the Chernobyl nuclear disaster site. Sure, you can go into the unsafe zone but you might end up with an extra arm growing mysteriously from your neck.
You can set up any place that you like but you certainly aren't going to look like a dude, kicking back next to the crapper.

 2.  Dudes never run in the direction of the toilet. It doesn't even matter if you're not going there. If people see you making a bee-line for the outhouse on the end of the beach, (especially if you're doing that clenched-ass shuffle) you're always going to be the guy who waited too long. The only way to successfully run to the can, is if you are dragging a kid with a hand clamped to their backside and a look of horror on their face. Sometimes that works.

  3. You really can't go wrong with colourful board shorts. If you're the guy, walking onto the beach in the banana hammock and everybody stops to watch, it's not because you're a dude. It's more of the, "can't help but look at the train wreck" thing happening. Unless of course, you're Mathew McConaughey or Channing Tatum. And NO, I didn't go to that movie! I'm just saying! (But what's the deal with Channing Tatum? Dude gets to have two cool names for a name AND look like that? I hope he has really, really small feet!)
(just an added public service note. If you're going to be in a swimsuit all day, walking about and doing activities, that mesh lining in your suit can be as abrasive as sandpaper. You might end up with some very sensitive spots worn a little raw.)


  4. For some unknown reason, every middle-aged guy still thinks he has chance to get with that, girl in her early 20's, bikini model. You don't. Most likely you never had a chance even when you were in your early 20's. Anyways, if you're drooling over that 20 year old girl with her boobs falling out of her bikini top, just stop it, it's not cool. Spend some time looking over at that woman that helped you drag the coolers, blankets, shade umbrella, and that stupid inflatable alligator from the parking lot. Chances are, she can do things to you that would make that inexperienced girl blush with shame.....not to mention that fact, she did choose you.

  5. When choosing snack foods for the beach, you're best to stick with things that you can pop into your mouth in one bite. Things that require you to spit part of it back out, like cherries or sunflower seeds, can be dudely around a campfire but if have to spit pits or shells into a baggie at the beach, not so much. Also, you need to be careful with things that stain your fingers and lips like Cheesies or cherries. Dudes don't spend the day  with orange, Cheesie fingers or purple, cherries lips! Not to mention the fact, too many cherries may send you running toward the crapper with purple lips.

  That's all I have, I'm not going to say that if you follow these things, you're going to be a dude. You're going to have to do some of the work. But if you're struggling in you're dudlieness, trying to stay within these few guidelines while at the beach, might give you a leg up on that guy in the speedo, with the bag of cheesies, trying to get a spot on the girls beach volleyball team, while running past on his way to the pit toilet with purple lips. Unless that's Channing Tatum, then probably everyone is thinking how awesome he is.

  ..........oh, and to the woman wandering up and down the beach trying to pass her bra off as a bikini top, you weren't fooling anyone. But thank you for trying.

  ......... if you are Channing Tatum reading this, maybe you should try and follow me or something so we don't end up in this awkward situation again. Also, having you in my followers might add to my own dudliness.

50 comments:

  1. Too funny! I particularly liked the #4. Women shouldn't jones father the lifeguard with the six pack, rather the guy whose six pack is in her cooler and guys shouldn't drool for bikini girl unless she is Mrs. Bikini Girl married to the guy whose six pack she carried.

    Loved the comment about the small feet. I would have gone with "small gloves" but perhaps that's something we say in the States.

    For a minute I wasn't converting and thought you were a sicko for enjoying arctic temperatures at the beach, ha!

    WG

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    1. Thanks! It occurred to me part way through that my American friends might not do the temperature conversion. I added it in the middle but forgot to go back and add it to the first one. My bad.
      I had never heard the "small gloves" reference. Wonder if half my posts might be way more popular if I translated my jokes into American as well....probably not.

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    2. I often think I should be translating my posts to 'Merican as well. But I don't see any US blogs adding an extraneous 'u' to words (favourite, colour, etc.) or talking Celsius to make me happy...

      Perhaps one day we'll have some kind of universal English language, based on today's texting youth. "BTW ur gr8!"

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  2. Your posts are such great fun to read, you have a wonderful way with words and humor Ken, it's imossible to not smile while reading this! Wise words indeed! :-) Sounds like yu had a great time. Now back on the tractor and back to work!

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    1. Thanks Josie. I did have a really good time being away. It rained here yesterday, over an inch. I won't be on the tractor for a couple days yet but that's OK. I've got some repairs to take care of anyways.

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  3. I've done the clench walk many times, and it usually has something to do with eating cherries.

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    1. I'm no stranger to that myself. There's no way to disguise that "i'm about to shit myself" walk, no matter how cool you are!

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  4. Re: that swimsuit mesh. Exactly. Glad someone finally said it.

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    1. I don't know why they use that? Nothing say's I've been at the beach like raw, angry junk! Now where's my Gold Bond?

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  5. The clenched-ass shuffle? Laughed pretty hard at that one. I'll be thinking about this post the next time I don my banana hammock for a stroll on the beach.

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    1. Clearly, you must have the body of Channing Tatum?

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  6. Another great post Ken. I especially like the PSA about banana hammocks. "Oh that is so sexy!" Said no woman ever. Seriously gentlemen. It doesn't matter if you're packing a weenie sausage or a bratwurst, we're not staring in admiration, it's muffled horror. We need to spread this message.
    I have to say though, running towards the john with purple lips had to be my favorite line.

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    1. Although the looks of horror were pretty much equal among the men as well as the women, I couldn't help but wonder if women felt differently about the speedo issue? I guess not.

      I think the only time it's an acceptable wardrobe choice is if you're an Olympic diver. Of course, those guys also shave their bodies bare.....um.....not that I've noticed or watch Olympic diving. Being a dude and all.

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  7. Gold mate

    Yes number #4 is the best piece of advice any man can get. If anything for the piece and quiet it will give you.

    And not the silent treatment peace and quiet.

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    1. It's actually more fun watching all the guys heads follow the girls as they stroll from one end of the beach to the other. Almost.

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    2. .......oh dear, watching the guys eyes! Heads, may have been a poor choice of words?

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  8. Very good post once again Ken! I am like you, I used to get bored in 10 minutes laying on the beach and had to do something, but now I can lay there like a beached whale wearing jams and slathered in SPF 6 billion and not care.

    I used to be self conscious about my back hair, I look like I hunted, skinned a Wookie and I wear the pelt like a cape but now I realize that the guy wearing the sweater to the beach has me beat, if you have that much body hair you should be considered a primate at this point.

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    1. for some reason I seem to be conspicuous for lack of chest hair. Not that I would ever want to be sweater guy but a little might not hurt to help my dudely image.

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  9. GREAT post!!! And #4??? You have no idea how much that aligns with a post I have been contemplating for a while. It is maddening, actually, at all the posts rattling around, unrelated, in my noggin. But a big THANK YOU for posting that. That it came from a Dude? Well, that makes you one of the most awesome dudes I know. Seriously. If I post what I would like to concerning that matter, I will link to this post, in particular to referencing #4. I might even quote you directly.

    I have always wondered about that mess lining contraption you guys have going on in your bathing suits. Always reminded me of a cloth version of a cheese grater, so I guess it feels a bit like wearing one strapped betwixt your legs all day too, huh? Ow. That's not fun.

    This whole post had me laughing. What a visual I created - what with people running around with banana hammocks (I do NOT like those kinds of hammocks!!! NOT attractive!), purple lips, orange fingers, clenched butt cheeks and all. Fun had my all!!!

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    1. hey, #4? Me too! I have had a post in my head relating to this sort of thing....Hope you give it a go! Can't wait to read it

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    2. Cool Robin!!! We'll have to compare notes!

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    3. I think I should point out that I do look.
      I think that the female form is one of the most beautiful things to occur in nature and I do appreciate it. I know she wouldn't agree but when we're at the beach or wherever we are, to me, my wife is always the most beautiful. So many women are self conscious about what time and age have done to their bodies but they shouldn't be comparing themselves to some standard set by a magazine or TV show. And most certainly, they shouldn't have any guy telling them they would look better if they looked like someone else. There's so much more, like personality, experience, and just having lived life that make a woman beautiful than having everything tight and bouncy. If they could embrace that, it would do so much to make them more confident and that in turn makes them beautiful. I do everything I can to let my wife know I'm in love with her. If I notice a woman on the beach, doesn't mean I'm thinking about being with her. My wife will have coffee with me on the deck, go for walks with me, talk to me about things, and still slip under the covers with me at night. That's beautiful. But not an expert or anything.

      UGG! that swimsuit mesh. Once, I made the mistake of wearing a swimsuit on an all day excursion in the Dominican Republic. The result was not pleasant. I ended up cutting the lining out that night with my wife's cuticle scissors. So much better for healing things up.

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    4. Ah if only we could converse on this subject at length. I think you found from this post and the responses, that this topic strikes a chord with many. What you say here is wisdom. Really.

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    5. Just awesome! You've got it right. Your wife is blessed, and I am blessed with a husband like you. Those who think otherwise don't really know what they are missing. Intimacy is so much more than a 20-something hot bod, it's a lifetime of loving and sharing, and growing closer every year.

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  10. So I'm guessing you'd say that standing over a bikini clad twenty-something with a pair of binoculars to inspect the cherry tattooed on the inside of her upper thigh is highly inappropriate.

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  11. Loved this post. :) Great fun.
    Had no idea who this Tatum person was. Googled him. Must say every single picture of him left me cold. That is one guy who knows exactly what he looks like, you can see it all over him. Bleck. Cocky is not attractive.

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    1. Thanks Kait. Actually, he was pretty funny in the 21 Jump Street movie. He just looks a little too good.

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    2. 21 Jump Street was NOT a comedy. It was a damn good show at the time it aired and I think it deserved better treatment.
      Sorry, that one really burned my cookies. :)

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    3. I actually never saw the TV show so my take on it may be a bit one sided. I did really like the rant the chief or whoever he was went on about recycling things from the past because no one has any original ideas any more. It was so backhanded that it made me laugh.

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  12. Ken, once again you have me cracking up! #4 strikes a nerve with me and I love your outlook at that! That's awesome. But this entire post was great!

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    1. Thank's Robin. I didn't think that #4 would strike suck a chord. Glad it did though. :)

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  13. Great post and congratulations on so many Man Cards decorating your site! I seem to recall you saying that your writing wasn't quite up to the Dude Write standard... apparently you were very wrong lol. I think this was great advice - and very vivid the way you wrote it! Fun :)

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    1. Also, nice new pic on the top banner!

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    2. Thank you LiR! I am still pretty sure that I just got lucky. I'm just me here. How can that be interesting, or even award winning?

      I'm glad that you had fun.

      There should be a new banner picture coming in the next week or so. Trying to get a collection of them for every season. :)

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    3. Nice idea to change with the season! And, no, it's not luck ;-)

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  14. I gave you an award....check it out

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    1. Thanks you! I will stop by to check it out.

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  15. Why on earth do they put that mesh in our swim trunks? It seems like some kind of cruel joke to torment us men!

    And there is no right way to do the "OMG I have to shit!" walk. Sometimes there isn't hiding it!

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    1. Try doing the "I have raw junk from my swimsuit" AND the "clenched-ass shuffle" at the same time! You'd probably end up in a straight-jacket in a rubber room somewhere!

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  16. Another one I learned is don't buy a white bathing suit. Apparently they are see-through.

    Hilarious post, though! Luckily for me, when I have to go the the bathroom that bad, I can't run. I don't have enough bladder control to move at intense speeds while maintaining clenched cheeks.

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    1. If I've learned anything at all from feminine hygiene commercials, it's that you don't want to be wearing white when there's any sort of leakage going on. That probably includes anal leakage?

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  17. Hahaha great post, Ken! I can especially relate to the mesh lining feeling like sandpaper. That is the worst.

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    1. I never realized that it was such an issue with so many guys. Maybe we should start a "protect our junk from swimsuit mesh" petition or something?

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  18. I love the part about sticking with the woman who helped you drag the ice chests and umbrella. So true and brilliant! You definitely have a man card no matter what!

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    1. There was a lot of attractive women there on the beach. The only one that i really wanted to get busy with though was the one sitting half naked beside me. Maybe i'm in the minority for thinking that but nobody turns me on like she does.
      If that makes me man card worthy, i don't know? :)

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  19. Men in Speedos is the same as women in Spandex pants... except women figured it out and stopped (mostly).

    Thanks for spreading the word, Ken, about Speedos and the "I'ma score me a hot 20-something chick at the beach even though I'm a totally creepy 50-year old guy with hair coming out every orifice" issue. We all need this to become general knowledge!

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    1. I think it's a clinging to your youth thing? It's still pretty creepy though.

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