Saturday, August 25, 2012

#108. or, Are you going to put that in your mouth?

  I've been back in the tractor the last week or so, making feed to get the cows through the winter. Sometimes when I'm there, I have free time to keep up on reading and commenting, but this particular job requires most, if not all of my attention. I haven't been around too much and I am sorry for that. On the plus side, my mind has been wandering at 6 miles an hour again, (actually, 3.5 miles an hour on this job.)  and I have a few ideas banked up.

  As much as I don't need it, I usually end up snacking in the tractor. Lately, my snack of choice has been pistachios. Pistachios are an awesome treat, they require a little effort to break into them, which is good, because it prevents me from shovelling them into my mouth by the handful. I'm pretty much restricted to one at a time. But I have noticed that if I could get a bag of pre-shelled pistachios, I think I would be a lot more picky with which ones go into my mouth. It seems, the more effort it requires me to break into my food, the more eagerly I consume it. Too many times, after I've shelled one, and fired the nut toward my mouth, I catch a glimpse of a brown, shrivelled, half decayed, morsel in that split second hang time between my hand and my mouth. But I always end up eating them.

  Now, I can't say that I have an aversion for putting odd things in my mouth. When we travel, I try to go out of my way to try to sample the local fare. I've tasted some odd things. My dad is the one that taught me you can tell tell if you have anti-freeze in your oil by putting some of the oil from the dipstick onto your tongue. If it's there, it will taste sweet. Of course, he's passed away now. I don't think licking dipsticks had anything to do with that. At least I hope not? Or I might be in trouble later on.

  I think my wife and I have been fairly good parents. I know from the first kid to the last, we went from "GOOD LORD, DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, IT'S BEEN ON THE FLOOR!" to  "HEY! If you're going to eat handfuls of dirt, at least move to the other end of the sandbox where the cat doesn't shit!"
We did the whole don't take candy from strangers thing, don't eat things out of the garbage, or off the street and all of that. But I noticed that sort of all went out the window when we went to the two different parades in the towns we live between, over the last couple of weeks.

  If you're a kid living near a rural community, the annual parade is cool because you get to come home with a bag full of candy, collected off the street, thrown from the floats as they go by. Now, my youngest son is 12. He's at that age where it isn't quite cool to be running out onto the street to gather candies. But don't get me wrong, we still WANTS the candy. At the beginning of the parade, he'll just stand on the curb and if candy comes his way, he will pick those up. All the while, I'm standing there with him, pointing out ones he missed and that he should be running out farther to get more candy. It occurred to me that basically, I'm telling him to run out into traffic, take candy from strangers, and put food picked up off the street into his mouth.

  Another thing I noticed, after he picked up a handful of peanuts in the shell, I asked him for those because I love peanuts in the shell. While I was opening them and eating them while we stood there watching the parade go by, I realized the peanuts had been thrown out onto the street AFTER the miniature horses and covered waggons had all gone by. Yummy.

  After the parade, we went to the small midway that they had at the fair grounds. I decided he should experience elephant ears. Because you can't go to the fair without eating carnival food. These particular elephant ears were quite bad. Although, they did actually resemble an elephants ears pretty much exactly. In fact, while I had intended to split it with my kid, he didn't eat more that a couple bites, it was so bad. They were really tough and chewy. I'm not sure that they weren't actually the ears of an elephant we were chewing on.

  I'm sort of glad parade and fair season is passed. I need to try to get back to eating healthier things. Maybe mix in a salad or two. Of course, with harvest right on top of us, I'm going to be in the tractor and combine for a long stretch this fall,  I'll probably still be bringing along my big bag of pistachios.

   The good thing about pistachios is that they are supposed to be good for the health of your penis. And who doesn't want a healthy penis? Except I think I'm going to start trying to avoid the brown ones.

          ...........um.........brown pistachio, that is.


I am submitting this post to Dude wtrite this week. It's where guy bloggers come together to submit posts, that get voted on from Sunday to Tuesday evening to see whose was most popular. I encourage you to pop over and take a look at them and maybe come back and vote on three of your favorites. 
You can get there by clicking on THIS LINK.


49 comments:

  1. Ken, man I just love your writing style. It's smooth and pure enjoyment. Not unlike the pistachios you so enjoy. Your writing is like pistachios... good for the manhood.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. WOW! That's such an awesome thing for you to say. Thank you so much. I've had a couple comments on my writing style the last little while. I didn't even realize I had a style? It feels kind of good.

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    2. Oh an also, can totally relate to everything you said. It really is funny when you think about the disparities from raising one child to the last.

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  2. You're right about how things change...from never eat off the floor, to the five then ten second rule, eventually just pick it up and eat it, who cares. Interesting info and benefits of the pistachio. Never knew that and a good party conversation starter if they are being served! And yes, wise to stay away from the brown ones. Very fun Saturday read! Good luck with harvest.

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    1. Thanks Gina.

      It is odd how the views change from kid to kid. It's also the same with pictures. A ton of our first, A handful of the last.

      Who doesn't like to be the one at the party starting the conversation about penises, right?

      I always go into harvest looking forward to it. By the end, I can't wait for it to be over. :)

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  3. I didn't know pistachios were good for my penis. What is it exactly that they do? Maybe I can increase my pistachio intake and cut down on my Viagra shipment.

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    1. Apparently, they help to increase blood flow in that region of your anatomy.

      You know, you could just double up with the pistachios AND the Viagra.........that's what i'm doing.

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  4. If you take a pistachio and put it on the end of your penis, you can flick it into your mouth....so I've been told.

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    1. The real talent there is using your penis to crack and shell one!

      It might be more fun if you can flick a pistachio into the mouth of your partner......I'm just saying?

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  5. Another delightful ride down the row with Ken in his tractor! Lordy, where you mind goes at these times! I never fail to leave here without a smile, especially with that cleverly worded conclusion! :-) I often have a bag of pistachios in my desk drawer, and it is interesting, as you note, that we are inclined to pop the brown ones in our mouthes even when we know it's going to taste bad. An interesting comment on human nature and the choices we make! You posts are a great addition to Dude Write, I always know they'll be a good read!

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    1. Thank you Josie. I'm happy the places my mind wanders can make for an enjoyable read.

      I'm not sure what it is about the brown ones. I know they are brown, they will be terrible, yet they still go into my mouth.

      You need to stop hiding the pistachios in your desk drawer and put a big bowl out to share with Papa Bear! Everybody loves pistachios. :)

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  6. Just when I needed 'Tractor Time' here you are again, being real, being you and making me smile. What a post -you have healthy snack options, the fair, parenting insight, and um... Interesting facts. I love learning something new, and this-this did it for me today. Who woulda thought? Puts a whole new spin on 'mind your P's & q's....

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    1. Oh and of course I am Googling this treasure trove of a nugget of info-and learning so much more!

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    2. Hello, my friend!

      I'm glad to come putting by on my tractor at just the right time. It's funny how many odd things actually do cross my mind in the cab of my tractor.

      It just occurred to me that there might be a business venture in buying up a bunch of tractors, setting aside 40 acres in the back and charging people by the hour to rumble about and think about life. The wheels are turning!

      Since you googled it, you will know for certain that I didn't make that fact up. ;)

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  7. HA! Great punch line! Who knew that nuts were good for your penis? You learn something new every day! :)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. :)

      You can consider it a good day when you can learn new and interesting facts about penises.

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  8. Oh this was hilarious! My child will put ANYTHING in his mouth and never gets sick. I'm pretty sure he has the cure for all the world's illnesses lining his stomach. :D

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    1. Hi Lily. I'm quite certain that we all need to consume a little dirt in our lives to be healthy. The more we sanitize the world for our kids, the sicker they get when every odd flu bug or virus comes along.

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  9. Another great post, Ken. Truly some down-home good natured humor.
    I like pistachios as well and find the extra effort to actually shell them is worth it. Like another of my favorites, sunflower seeds the work is worth the reward.

    WG

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    1. I agree about the reward being worth the effort. Sunflower seeds though, you can just pop a handful into your mouth and work your way through them. I'm not quite as efficient with the pistachios.

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  10. My elephant ear was quite yummy, so at least my stomach ache was worth it! The candy throwing thing in a parade is a bit funny...the last parade I watched, I was laughing at all the adults pointing out the candy, even telling kids which specific pieces to grab, and then they would sit there eating the candy, while sending the kids out for more :)

    So you're saying if I eat pistachios, I'll be able to find a healthy penis? Awesome! That's WAY easier than going on a dating site!

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    1. I expected that the one we had was going to be so much better that it turned out to be. At least worth the stomach ache.

      That's what happens at parades. They keep threatening to stop with the candy throwing because it's dangerous. I hope they don't.
      I eat the peanuts. And the Kraft caramels. Those are special.

      Um.....I'm not sure that pistachios work through osmosis. However, if you bring some along while on a date, the evening just might end off a with a little more of a bang? ;)

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  11. I need to eat healthier too. After two weeks on cruise ship I've put on a little weight. I gained 1.4 pounds – for each day on the ship. If I go on any more cruises I'll turn into a buoy.

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    1. That's the curse of the buffet.
      At least on a cruise ship you have to buy your drinks and it keeps consumption in check. At an all inclusive resort, all that free beer bumps those pounds gained up by quite a bit!

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  12. Nothing wrong with brown penises either...I mean peanuts...pistachios....wait what the hell were we talking about here?

    Elephant ears make me gag just thinking about them but hell those peanuts in the shell were totally safe, protected in their shell, and absolutely safe to eat. Way to parent the right way. What's a little sand box sand anyway? Cleans out the system.

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    1. I'm sure that there's nothing at all wrong with brown penises. In fact, I think they even have a saying about them. The cool thing is pistachios are a benefit to penises, no matter what color they are.

      I'm sure you're right about the peanuts. Luckily, horse road apples are pretty dry and stay where they fall. If it had been cow plop, on the other hand, that on the pavement has a considerable splash radius, and I think peanut shell are at least a little absorbent?

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  13. You took the words out of my mouth on the - breaking into the pistachios is a good thing because then you're limited to eating them one at a time ;-) ... of course, you sort of amended it with next paragraph lol. I didn't know that pistachios had such beneficial qualities... this is very good to know!

    Nice post, Ken :) You created a vivid image of candy and peanut collecting from the mucked up streets lol... I can just picture you sending your son out to collect the goodies - and then helping yourself to his stash ;-)... well of peanuts anyway!

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    1. He's pretty protective of his stash once he gets it all gathered up. If I want to make a play for any of it, I need to do that before he gets it all home and takes inventory! :)

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  14. When I was little I used to eat rocks. It freaked my mom out terribly but apparently I just grew out of it. I was too young to remember this, but I assume they were tasty, tasty rocks.

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    1. I'm sure they indeed were tasty, tasty rocks. Why else would you be eating them? :)

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  15. I grew up in the country. I guess when you meal comes from the dirt, you just aren't disgusted by it. I will still eat things off the ground if it looks reasonably clean.

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    1. As long as it isn't things like half eaten pizza crusts you're probably fine.

      My favorite way to eat carrots is with a little dirt on them fresh out of the garden.

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  16. Brown ones are the best! HAHAHAHA. Licking Dipsticks. Haha. Better than Dipping Lipsticks? Ah Ken this is a great story! Well done!

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    1. Penises or pistachios? Because I generally try to avoid all other penises but my own. But that's just me.

      I might have tried Dipping Lipsticks once after too many Caesars though.

      Thanks Pish. :)

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  17. I love the way you write. Your style is so laid back, it feels like you are right here just shooting the breeze...
    Awesome post! I used to love those parades when I was a kid. If the people on the floats threw out candy we hated (like Bit-o-Honey), we'd always wing it back at them. :)

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    1. Thanks Kevin. I appreciate you saying that.

      I remember getting candies myself. Recently, they've started to hand out freezies as well. That bad part about that is if you toss then into the bag, they sometimes leak and all your candy becomes a melting, gooey mess. My kids found that out the hard way.

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  18. I love it! I have the same thoughts on pistachios. Although, I can still eat the whole bag in one sitting, so I don't usually get them anymore. Too tempting.

    I loved parades when I was little. I've been cured. The only one I still love is the Tournament of Roses Parade on New Years Day.
    (heading to Dude Write, now.)

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    1. We don't do any of those big parades. These are just the small town type with half the entries being farm machinery from the local dealers.

      I try to keep my snacking to a minimum but you are right, temptation generally gets the better of me.

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  19. Wow, I'm on my way to the store to grab a bag of pistachios at this moment! My penis has been looking a bit "brown, shrivelled, half decayed" lately.

    I always found that if I'm trying to shed a pound or two, I can easily substitute a meal with a mouthful of unsalted sunflower seeds. Though, it'd probably be way healthier to just eat a salad.

    Great and informative post!

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    1. You should really get that looked at! That shouldn't happen until you are at least in your 40's?

      Ya, the salads are going to have to be a little more frequent in our house.

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  20. Bill Cosby once said, "A man can eat anything as long as he has two slices of bread."
    You've just proved that the bread is extraneoous. Good story!

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    1. I end up eating a lot of sandwiches this time of year. I tend to get a little tired of them and try to find things that don't include bread. But who am I to argue with Bill Cosby.

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  21. Elephant ears? Licking dipsticks? Pistachios for the penis?

    Wow, I learned a lot today.

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    1. Then I've done my job here. Shared valuable information and hopefully done it in an entertaining manner. Plus I was able to talk about penises, so that's a bonus as well.

      Thanks for commenting. :)

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  22. Hey Dude,
    I've come to really enjoy reading your posts, partly because they make me chuckle but also because you have such a great style... you reveal your philosophies to the world with a carefree shrug of the shoulders - a take it or leave it attitude - I really like it..
    Unfortunately, my penis has a nut allergy...

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    1. Thanks Jamie! I appreciate you stopping by.

      You know something, people keep telling me they like the style of writing that I have. It never really occurred to me that I actually have a style. Isn't that odd? I'm glad it's happening though, it seems people are indeed reading these in the same style I am thinking them. That's a good thing. At least I'm doing something right.

      Sorry about your penis allergy. Or rather your penis's allergy to nuts. The good thing about that is, the miracle of modern medicine can straighten that right out for you! :)

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  23. I ate am entire 1lb bag of pistachios in one day. I think I am now cockstrong!

    It's pretty hard to mess up an elephant ear. Must've been really bad if the kid didn't eat it!

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  24. Bahaha, amazing last line!

    Don't worry about eating stuff off of the ground. There is no five second rule, in my opinion. It is still usually good after five days.

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  25. Yeah, I won't be eating any pistachios. Ever.

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