Wednesday, May 22, 2013

#156. or, Piss and Vinegar


Do you remember a couple posts back, where I went on and on about the terrible bout of the flu that my wife and I were dealing with? At least I think I wrote that post, although, I may have only imagined it in my delirium.

  Anyways,  it's been a few weeks now, and to tell you the truth,  I don't really feel like I've completely recovered from it. I mean, I'm not suffering from a debilitating headache or alternating between, one minute shivering cold, and the next, sweltering hot. I just seem to have this nagging cough and feeling like I can't catch up on my sleep. Of course, part of that could be due to the fact that I actually, CAN'T catch up on my sleep this time of year. Or, it might just be that I'm old.

  Part of the plan my wife devised to deal with this, while we were standing in the aisle at the Wal-Mart, was that I should be on some sort of once a day, multivitamin. My part of the decision was that I got to choose which multivitamin was suited specifically to my needs, based on my age, body mass index and the particular workload, my day to day life entails.

  I chose the awesome blue bottle with the word "MEN'S" across the label in bold type.

  As soon as I got home, cut away the protective cellophane, bested the child proof lid, sliced through the foil bottle seal, and dug out enough cotton to stuff a throw pillow, I knew right away I had made the right decision. From the size of these pills, they had to have some of every vitamin in the alphabet in them. Being the size of my thumb, they're a little tough to choke down, but as long as I take them before my wife leaves for work, just in case she has to give me the heimlich, it's all good.

    Now, I'm pretty sure that legitimately, I'm getting some benefits from these pills. And as awesome as I'd like to believe that I am, I'm not so bold as to believe  that my body was topped off on every vitamin in the spectrum. But in the week or so since I've been on these vitamin pills, I think those levels have slowly risen back to where they need to be, or even beyond.

   Despite the fact I still feel a tad shitty.

  I think my vitamin batteries are now fully charged. And like I've said, while I don't quite feel completely up to snuff it seems, because of the surplus of vitamin-ly energy coursing through my veins, I've developed luminescent pee. In fact, my pee has become so brightly charged, I'm confident that if I were to pee in a water bottle, Frodo and Samwise, and the other hobbits, could have used it to light their path, all the way from The Shire, to the bowels of Mount Doom. Of course, that would have also given up any element of surprise they would have had, so that may have been a bad example, but still, you get what I mean.

  I realize, that there's also a pretty good chance that this is all just an unfortunate side effect of taking these pills. But if that's the case, I think that the manufacturers are missing a golden opportunity here. (see what I did there.)

     If my job was making, "MEN'S" vitamins, and I knew that taking these pills would eventually make your pee shine brighter than the HID lights on my tractor, I don't think it would be too difficult to add a few other dyes to make your pee glow green or blue or even purple? I would imagine that men might line up to buy a bottle of vitamins that, despite the obvious health benefits, would enable you to you use your lightsaber to write your name in the snow in the colour of your choosing. And they would probably make that swooshy humming noise while they did it.

  Given the choice of Jedi's, and taking all things into consideration, if I had to emulate the lightsaber of any one of them, I suppose would probably pick Master Yoda.

    ..............because compared to all of the other Jedi's, Yoda is much shorter, .......um, no......WISER than all the other Jedi's. Ya, wiser.





40 comments:

  1. Yeah, what is it with weird lingering illness this year? I am having the same thing, so no it isn't you getting older. :)

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    1. Hi Holly,

      It's certainly a relief to know that it couldn't possibly be both of us getting older!

      On the other hand, I'm not sure the weird lingering illness thing is all that much better.

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  2. Thanks for sharing! That's what the internet's for.

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    1. Hey Debra,

      Always happy to do my part to keep the internet machine rolling along efficiently. :)

      Delete
  3. Glad you're feeling somewhat better. I caught a simple cold a month ago and I still don't feel fully recovered.

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    1. I know Stephen, you sort of expect this sort of thing to happen in the dead of winter, but having any type of cold in the summer really sucks.

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  4. Honestly, I'm surprised that there aren't products out there actually made and marketed to change your pee color! Think of how easy it would be to potty train a toddler, I mean they already sell targets for the toilet!

    "Now Timmy, try to make the water in the bowl blue! And aim for the target!"

    And OMG! What if they made dies for the toilet itself and then when you peed you could make a new color!

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    1. I know Heather!

      I think there's a whole untapped market just waiting to be explioted here! The possibilities are endless. And some crafty sole would probably come up with some nifty pee design and post it on Pintrest. :)

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  5. What a wonderful post to break-up the midweek humdrums. I am laughing so hard that they will likely soon send ME for drug testing. I agree there is some real potential here for product development. After all, what guy doesn't like to write his name in the snow?! :-)

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    1. Hi Josie!

      I'm happy that I was able to get you through the middle of the week with a smile on your face. :)

      If you have to do that drug test, I hope you don't have to pee in a bottle! :)

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  6. Ah..to pee in light saber fashion, complete with sound effects would be awesome! Public restrooms would never be the same!

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    1. There might be a rainbow of multi colored pee for the janitor to clean up. Cleaning up pee is nasty business, even if it is the color of Skittles!

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  7. I love this, and all of your posts. They, you, are so genuine and refreshing. Thanks for that! I really hope you continue to feel better. May the Force be with you!

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    1. Thank you, McGuffy Ann!

      I think I am on the mend, and may the Force be with you as well! :)

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  8. I'll be honest, I'd probably be more inclined to take my vitamins too if I knew it'd make my pee fluro purple.

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    1. Hi Kellie,

      I'll be honest, I had to google fluro purple. That's a pretty impressive color! :)

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  9. Hey friend!

    Ha ha ha!!! This is classic Ken, at its best!!

    Who else could combine vitamins, lingering flu, light sabers and pee (and multicolored, no less) and it works so smoothly!!

    That really is crappy that you still feel, well, crappy. Take it easy! As easy as a hard working farmer can, I suppose!

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    1. Hello, my Friend!

      There's a classic Ken? Who knew?

      This whole post sort of all happened by accident when I stopped at the end of one of my rows of seeding to take a brightly colored pee. Once I was back to seeding, it all fell into place.

      I think my mind truly does wander the most at 6 miles per hour! :)

      If I could kick this nagging cough, I think I'd have it licked. :)

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  10. I hate when you get sick and then never properly recover from it. I rarely turn ill, but when I do I'm down for weeks (sometimes months) - it's like my body can't decide if it should get sick again or turn better, being in that twilight zone it decides to just stay crappy and worthless. I hope you fully recover from your illness. Being sick sucks.

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    1. Hi Annika,

      I'm sure it will eventually go away. Most likely, I'll just one day discover that I've stopped coughing and then try to figure out how long that's been going on.

      Or, I'll use my vitamin enriched superpowers and will the sickness out of my body! :)

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  11. I love reading your blogs, Ken. Hope you shake it off soon. That lingering crap sucks. I had pneumonia this year...just shaking it now. But I had orange pee. It was from a med I was taking. At first I was thinking I was having kidney problems ... if it was purple or even bright yellow I dont know if I would have found it as freaky. Did you see "The Madness of King George"? One of his symptoms when he was totally demented was he was peeing blue...I forgot the reason. Im gonna go google it now.

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    1. Thank you Zoe!

      (I never get tired of having people say that) :)

      Orange is cool. I never had that when I had pneumonia. I did, however end up getting suppositories for some reason, but that's a completely different kettle of fish.

      I vaguely remember seeing that movie, and also seem to remember the blue pee. I would hate to think that unnatural urine causes you to lose your marbles, because that happen would certainly take all of the fun out of having colored pee? :)

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  12. Turns out you can thank the B-complex vitamins for your brightening your pee. And I can thank you for inspiring me to read about all of the weird and nasty things that can happen to urine.

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    1. Thanks cynk,

      ......and THANK YOU, B-complex vitamin!

      I hope you journey into the mysteries of weird and nasty things that can happen to urine was everything you hoped it would be. :)

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  13. And now I will be giggling at a mental image of epic urinal light saber battles all day...

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    1. I think there might be a whole line of rubber pants and shoes that could be marketed right along side with this pee color changing vitamin thing? :)

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  14. Multi-colored urine - that would be a great party trick.

    I hope you shake off your virus soon.

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    1. Thanks Bryan.

      I don't know, for the life of me, why somebody hasn't come up with this before?

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  15. Thanks for the laugh! I hope you continue to enjoy your new glow stick.

    Vitamin D, vitamin C, Kombucha, ginger tea - all super helpful for getting better and staying healthy. None of them seem to turn urine any fancy colors though.

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    1. Thanks for reading!

      I'm going to see if there's any of that stuff in my multivitamin. Aside from the Kombucha, which I'm going to have to google to find out what it is. (I'm hoping it's a type of frosted doughnut!)

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  16. I rarely remember to take vitamins, but when I do the bright yellow pee is always a shock. Then I remember that I remembered to take my vitamin.

    The mental imagery of men peeing the florescent color of their choice while hearing the humming - priceless.

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    1. Hey Vanessa,

      That may be the one thing that could break the awkward silence and staring straight ahead, while standing shoulder to shoulder and a bank of crowded urinals? :)

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  17. Iron will definitely do that (I've heard...) When I was in high school there was a meningitis outbreak and we had to take these antibiotics to prevent getting it. It made you pee bright orange. That made for some interesting conversation!

    p.s. Glad you're feeling better :)

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    1. Wouldn't it have made for even MORE interesting conversation, if everybody pee'd a different colour at that time? :)

      As if a meningitis outbreak isn't interesting enough! YIKES!

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  18. Throw some asparagus in with your B vitamins and you can have bright AND stinky pee. How awesome is nature?

    I love the idea of Frodo and Samwise trying to hide a glowing bottle of piss to avoid being captured...

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    1. Nature is pretty awesome although, I think I could do without the stinky pee. But hey, I'm not one to discriminate, and I guess there's those out there who might like that too? I guess?

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  19. I'm super behind in reading blogs!! After reading this, I am actually shocked that they HAVEN'T come up with pills that change your pee to different colors. It would be a fun novelty, anyway. I'm sure you can guess the color I would like :) But you've renewed an old jealousy...I wish I could write my name in the snow!

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    1. Hi Kianwi!

      I'm having a bit of trouble keeping up on the reading as well. Even more so on my commenting. It's all pretty much hit or miss these days. I try to stop in daily and stop off at a few, but there's more slipping by than I like. I guess it's that time of the year, the nice outdoors part. :)

      I do write my name in the snow on occasion, although I have to say, not so often as I did in my younger years. I'm just lucky I have no i's to dot or t's to cross. :)

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  20. Do you think it's all helpful that I take two Flintstones vitamins every morning???

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    1. I guess it can't really hurt? I think what surprises me even more is that they still make Flintstones vitamins.

      I suspect there may actually be more adults taking them out of nostalgia than kids who wonder who the heck these unfamiliar characters are?

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