#176. or, Tested

  It has been a cumulative effort, for the entirety of my life, studying for, and trying to pass tests.

  Ok, I realize that not all of those tests were administered in situations where I was given ample time and opportunity to sufficiently refresh my knowledge base, to be as fully and completely prepared as the limited amount of grey matter, I have left in my brain reserved for those type of things, would allow. And believe me, that space is indeed quite limited, because nobody bothered to tell me, when I was a kid, that filling my hard drive with useless Star Trek and 70's sitcom trivia would be a problem down the road when it came time to learn multiplication of fractions or algebra.

  But regardless of the state of my mental preparedness, I've done a lot of tests.

  The first test I can ever remember doing, was some sort of aptitude test at the health unit, to determine if I had the mental capacity to be registered into school. The only reason I remember this test is because at some point during the testing, I was asked to pull the wings off of a giant holographic fly.

  I'm going to repeat that. GIANT HOLOGRAPHIC FLY!

  I think I failed that test. But not because it was a fly. Hell, as a kid growing up on a farm in 1973, I was no stranger to flies. In fact, at that point our bathroom was still a room with a bucket in it that had to be periodically taken out and dumped. It's a pretty safe assumption that I was familiar with flies. Now that I look back on it, at 4 or 5 years old, I was also significantly smaller than I am now, so the giant holographic fly might not of been as large as I remember it. I'm pretty sure what freaked me out more than anything, was the hologram, which had to be relatively new technology back then. Certainly not the thing a kid living with two TV channels, back in the days when a simple calculator still cost $700, had ever seen before. And even if that test had no scientific basis, to measure whether or not I was fit to be turned loose in the real world, if science has blessed you with the ability to create giant holographic flies, what better sector of the population to unleash that horror on, but sweet and innocent preschoolers.

  Yay science!

  So, I may have failed the first test I ever did. Or not, because they let me got to school, so I'm not sure. My scores probably read, plays well with others, scared shitless of giant holographic flies. But since that time, besides the multitude of testing I did in school, my life has been about passing tests. I've been tested to drive a car, an 18 wheeler, a motorcycle, a boat, and a school bus. I've been tested to own firearms. Seems to me, my wife and I even had to take some sort of test to see if we were fit to get married. All those were specific course tested situations. There's a whole other facet, where I've just been tested by life.

  It's all about the tests.

  Now, over the last month or so, my wife and I, along with her sisters and their families, have been in the process of moving her parents out of their home and into a retirement facility. Because my wife's mother is not in the best of health, she's been given a room with relative ease. Her father on the other hand, while not in the best of health, is still not in bad enough shape to be admitted immediately. He has to go onto a waiting list. In order to get top billing, you have to fail a test the doctor gives you to determine your mental and physical health.

  After a lifetime of being conditioned to pass various tests, it would seem there comes a point when it is in your best interests to start failing tests.

  I fully expect to spend the golden years of my retirement, in a home, eating mushy food and playing bingo. Not to mention, I have heard, the old ladies out number the old guys in those facilities by something like 10 to 1. At those kind of ratios, an average guy like me is going to immediately get bumped up to an 8, or a solid 7 at the very least. There's gonna be old blue haired women all over this wrinkly sugar!

  But, in order to get in there, I need to fail the test. And I suspect there's a pretty fine line between a room with a window or one with bed restraints and a drool bucket. You can't just walk in there and completely blow the thing.

  .................I think I had better start studying to fail that test as soon as I can.