Friday, March 28, 2014

#187. or, Two Pair of Pants

  Contrary to any pre-conceived misconceptions you may have about me, let me set the record straight, once and for all. I am not the Batman.

  Probably.

  I am certainly not a billionaire, playboy philanthropist. I'm perhaps more accurately, lower-middle-classed income, over the hill, average Joe. But I'd like to think, if I had a billion dollars, that I'd be philanthropee-ing all over the damned place.

  And probably own a batmobile.

  Recently, I've made the switch from bib overalls for work, to my "work'in man pants". Which, in truth, are really only pants that are about 5 sizes too big, that I wear over my everyday pants when I do what I do. But I'd been wearing the bib overalls for at least a dozen years, and because I'm an agent of change, the pants seemed like a good way to mix things up. Unfortunately, one of the things I find I'm missing about the overalls, is that I had a lot of pockets to keep all of my crap in. My work pants, being a bit more than just your average run of the mill pants are designed with more pockets, but I've been relegated to carrying some of my gear on the belt I now need to keep pants, that are 5 sizes too big, up around my waist where they belong.

  Because farm/gangsta isn't really a thing.

  So it would seem that I have my own, farm version of The Batman's utility belt. And let me just say, utility belts, while being a cool idea, sort of suck in day to day functionality.

  At any given time, the items with my pants include, a folding Bear Grylls lock blade knife in a pouch on my belt. A Leatherman tool with an added tool attachment along with various tool attachment attachments, also in a pouch on my belt, and my phone, in an Otterbox case, which makes it too damned big, clipped to my belt as well. Not to mention the contents of my pockets, that as a rule, consist of a roll of electrical tape, a jet lighter, my 3x5 inch notebook, and a half a handful of screws, nuts, change, and an interesting stone I picked up somewhere along the way.

  Plus! In the day-to-day pants I wear, because they frown at you if you try to walk around without any pants on, I have a small Swiss Army knife, (lots of knives for some reason) a tin of lip balm, and a different jet lighter. So also redundant lighters for a guy who, aside from the occasional cigar, doesn't smoke.

  I'm finding, with all of this crap wrapped around my mid-section, I'm having a bit of a difficult time bending at the waist to tie up my boots.

  Now, I'm speculating that The Batman finds himself in quite a bit more precarious situations than I do, and that the batmobile is way more cockpity than my tractor seat. I don't know how he avoids stabbing himself in the appendix with a vessel of thermite while driving, or hooking his lock pics or fingerprint dusting kit on the edge of something while he's parkouring about Gotham.

  I can't even drive with my wallet in my back pocket, (and it's a thin wallet) because sitting on it shifts my spine out of alignment and I end up walking like, well......an old farmer.

  Of course, The Batman is in a bit better shape than I am, and his bulges are more muscle, while I gravitate towards the pillowy soft body type. But you'd think soft tissue would be more forgiving at allowing for addition of belt utensils?

  Also, if the work pants end up not being the answer, there's always the Carhartt style work kilt, which I've only ever seen in pictures. But it's going to have to get a lot nicer outside before I drop my drawers and go free-balling it about in one of those. Not to mention, the ladder to my combine is pretty high, and I can't help but feel like I might be at a bit of a disadvantage if my tractor salesman caught me at the top of it, when he came to haggle on farm equipment.

  ...........Like The Batman, some things are better left mysterious, and to the imagination.



37 comments:

  1. Free-balling! crap, now Tom Petty is in my head.
    I don't have a good solution for you. Kind of lie the situation with my handbag, it is too heavy for a normal human but I need everything in it.
    It is acceptable for farmers to wear overalls so wear them proudly! A lot of the farmers around here wear these Carhartt overall things, a jumper if you will.

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    1. Hey Funny,

      I'm ffrreeeeee-balllllliinnnggg! Tom Petty, ha! :)

      Sadly, when summer rolls around and I find myself moving from one tractor to another, I have a back-pack full of crap that I also carry about, with more crap in it, that I carry with me.

      Farm jumpers doesn't sound all that manly? :)

      Delete
  2. As always this post was a fun read. Maybe you could be the one responsible for making farm/gangsta a thing.

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    1. Thanks Stephen,

      I like to keep my pants hiked up. A butt crack full of grain dust is anything but pleasant.

      Delete
  3. Okay, you've just convinced me that you and my BF are related somehow. He carries as many lighters, knives, multi-tools, and gadgets in his pockets as you do -- which probably explains why he doesn't need to go to the gym since he weighlifts 25 pounds in his pants all day.

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    1. Hey Suzanne

      That's exactly it! In the past, that was just gear I packed around all the time. Now I try to keep the heavy stuff with my work pants and everyday-wear-gear at a minimum. It's probably why my back is shot. :)

      Delete
  4. I keep wishing that cargo pants would come back in style for women. I carry a work phone, a personal phone, change for the pop machine, my due diligence note book, my keys and a lighter. I wind up with a very odd looking figure and a desperate need for a belt unless I want to moon my co-workers.

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    1. Hi Vanessa!

      My work pants are very much like cargo pants, Except made from heave canvas type material. Lots of packets, and they all have something in them. Maybe I should get one of those fishing vests as well? They're just all pockets, stitched together into a vest shape. :)

      Delete
    2. I've actually considered getting one of those vests for work since I'm having a hard time finding those fanny packs that used to be sneered at.

      Delete
  5. I don't carry a purse or a wallet, so I end up stuffing my pockets too. I've never thought of adding a utility belt to the mix. I too think farm/gangsta could catch on if you gave it a try.

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    1. Hey Marcy,

      If farm/gansta means I can't bend the brim on my cap, then I'm out! :)

      Delete
  6. Ken, it is always a special treat to see a post from you. You are entertaining, and so relatable. It is like listening to Bill. You are definitely a "guy's guy". Yes, that is a good thing. Thanks for sharing; I mean that.

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    1. Thank you McGuffy Ann.

      I wish I could find the time to post more. I miss it when the time between stories gets too long.

      Delete
  7. I've wondered the same thing about Batman... Sure, his utility belt full of throwing stars and indestructible cord to caper up buildings and mace and Lord knows what else *sounds* like a good idea... But that's got to be crazy bulky and inconvenient.

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    1. I know, right? It looks cool as hell while you're strutting about the cave, but it's not really all that practical.

      Delete
  8. You could totally pull off farm/gangsta!! :) Great post. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you!

      Farm/gangsta..........I'm not so sure about this? :)

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  9. I'm guessing a man purse is right out.

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    1. Hey Cynk,

      I'm not discounting anything at this point. I have a lot of stuff!

      Delete
  10. Too bad Farm Gangsta isn't a thing, because you could totally rock that scene.

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    1. Hi Karen,

      I spend enough time telling my kid to pull HIS pants up. I'm going to have no credibility at all if I have half a crack showing?

      Delete
  11. Haha. Farm gangsta. Lol. And I always carry a knife with me. Just in case...

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    1. Hey Natalie!

      I always have a knife. Swiss Army! (thank you MacGyver) Then something larger for work. You don't want to know how many I have laying in the drawer.

      Delete
  12. Oh man. So many good giggles in this one. Philanthropee-ing? Farm gangsta? Can't wait for warmer weather so we can hear all about how liberating free-balling is.

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    1. Hey VV!

      Thanks so much! And I may or may not regal you on the liberating experiences of wandering about without any pants on. :)

      Delete
  13. Hey my friend!
    Glad you opted for pants! That is always good to know.

    You could always go for the overall jumpersuit thing! I think my grandpa wore those - had a color for every day of the week...wait.....you're not grandpa age - far from it. Those jumpsuit things did have the pockets though! He carried all kinds of great things in them!

    This post was just classic Ken - always fun, made me smile.

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    1. Hey Friend!

      I went through the full jumpsuit cover-all phase. Frankly, I find it a bit too hot for my liking. That's why I moved to the bibs in the first place, now onto the pants. I must be burning hotter in my old age? :)

      Also, I never get tired of the term, "classic Ken". :)

      Delete
  14. I've wanted a utility belt since I was five. I've always known if there's a will there's a way.

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    1. Hi Michael,

      Dream big my friend.....dream big!

      Delete
  15. And that's your Batmobile up top, right? And you're changing the title of your blog to Ken In-a-Batmobile? :)

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    1. Hey Linda,

      It only does about 23 mph. Pretty hard to chase down bad guys at that speed. :)

      Delete
  16. Ditch the workin' pants and get a rubber suit complete with nipples, ala George Clooney...shit, that just got weird huh?

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    1. Hi Kevin,

      We've spent the last number of years trying to forget Bat-Clooney and the nipple suit. Back into therapy, I suppose?

      Delete
  17. Philanthropee-ing? Nice one.

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  18. And this is why I'm a writer, because I can get away with wearing no pants at my job. Totally worth the lack of money.

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  19. Hey buddy! I've missed you. And I've missed your writing. Here is why I want to hug and smoosh you with love...you are just the best with funny phrasing. "But I'd like to think, if I had a billion dollars, that I'd be philanthropee-ing all over the damned place." So hysterical. I am totally stealing philanthropeeing! There were lots of others, but that was the first to make me laugh :)

    Now, about these work pants...why do they need to be 5 sizes too big? And what was wrong with the overalls? Also, have you considered a murse?

    Good to see you! I'll try to not disappear again.

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