Wednesday, March 11, 2020

#210 or, The Process of Natural Selection

  I consider myself a somewhat resourceful fellow.

  Like one time I used the metal clip-it-to-your-shirt-pocket part of a pen to make a tool to remove the metal sticky-out part of a set of headphones that someone had broken off inside the sticky-in part on the armrest of a jet airplane so I could listen to the movie.

 I had to be resourceful because they wouldn't let me take my Swiss Army Knife on the plane. I'm also certain, had I pointed out what I'd accomplished to a flight attendant, I'd have immediately been escorted to the cockpit to ride as technical support should anything untoward happen to the aircraft, mid flight. But I didn't point it out because I don't like drawing attention to myself. Plus, it was a good movie.

 I'm not telling you this because I think that I have a talent that's something better than everyone else has. In fact, as I meet new people in my life, I'm going to assume that any one of you would do exactly the same thing should you be thrown into a similar situation.

  I leave it up to you to prove me wrong.

  Anyway, I strongly believe this same innate resourcefulness would come into play should a global pandemic create such a mass hysteria that people ran out and bought up all the worlds supply of toilet paper, causing a shortage and the possibility that I wouldn't have the luxurious softness, yet double-layered durability of a roll of Costco Kirkland brand toilet paper to softly caress my backside post dump.

 I'd make due.

  Like using a handful of grass or leaves if you happened to get stricken in a tractor, mid day, too far from home and without supplies. You figure it out. Out of necessity.

  Out of necessity.

  That's important. Because, should an event one day require us to all remain at our homes, my first thought would be to provide the necessities of life. To stay alive. To ride this thing out and come out the other side all the better for it. Using toilet paper to wipe my ass is pretty low on the list of things I need to do to remain alive. Food and water, I'm good. Not because I'm a prepper or anything, but I have a freezer full of beef, there's potatoes in the basement, water in the well, and if the shit really hits the fan, I know how to ferment rhubarb into wine. Things I'd need, and a little more.

  So, from time to time, when society is tested in one way or another, it's interesting to try to take a step back and watch. To see how we, as a society, uses our resourcefulness to overcome the trying situation presented to us. Unfortunately, it's looking like more people will be weeded out by some great toilet paper stampede than a random worldwide virus that happens to pop up.

  While that happens, I'll throw a steak and a potato on the BBQ, pour a glass of rhubarb wine and realize that I may have finally found a use for 20 years of single socks from the dryer I have stashed in the basement in garbage bags that I wouldn't let my wife throw out because someday they might come in handy.

  See, resourceful. And probably luxuriously soft and durable.

  Either way, it's just toilet paper. It's not like it's something that's environmental or grows on trees or anything,

  .........oh wait, never mind. 



  1. I was walking down the back alley yesterday, minding my own business, carrying a couple of bags of groceries and a package of toilet paper under my arm when a car stopped beside me, the window rolled down, and the young couple inside asked WHERE had I found that toilet paper because they were trying to find a store with any left. "Save-on" I said and off they drove. At least they didn't try to mug me for my asswipe wealth! People have gone NUTS.

    1. Hi Debra! It's crazy, right? Our kid is moving into his first place and we to him to the city to help him get some home supplies. Legitimately needed one package of TP. None to be had. It's crazy!

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.