Sunday, January 20, 2013

#140. or, my old oysters

  So, a while back we went to Costco. Like, before Christmas. Occasionally, when we go, and it's not all that often, they have that fish guy there. The one with the small plastic containers of pre-shelled oysters sitting in their frosty bed of ice.

  I really like oysters. Even though it's sort of a crap shoot whenever I have them, as to whether I'll come down with a screaming headache or not. But still, I like them enough to take the chance.......once in a while.

  Anyways, we had bought a small tub of the oysters last summer and I smoked them. On the BBQ,  not rolled in paper. Cause they're all, like moist and shit and impossible to light. They turned out really good, and so, when we were shopping, before Christmas, the oyster guy was there, so on the way past, I threw a small tub into our gigantic Costco shopping cart, as a treat to have over the holidays.

  Last week, I discovered that they were still sitting on the shelf in the fridge. Instantly, I flashed back and remembered that it was late when we got home after shopping, and we decided we would put them into the fridge overnight and deal with them properly in the morning. They had somehow gotten hidden behind that jar of strawberry/rhubarb jam with the masking tape that says 2011 on it.  I know that they're not good anymore, in fact, they seem to be taking on a disgusting milky hue. And while whole uncooked oysters are not one the most pleasing things to look at every time you open the fridge, whole uncooked oysters in a bath of partially, translucent, milky liquid is somewhat disturbing. Yet, now that I've been re-introduced to this tub of what is rapidly evolving into some sort of goo, every time I open the fridge, my eyes are drawn to it like it's a car wreck on the side of the road as I drive past, rubber-necking at 2 mph.

  I'm a little afraid to move them. Actually......the truth is, I'm afraid to even touch them. I worry that the contents may have eaten their way through the bottom of the container and fused itself to the shelf right next to the coffee creamer. I worry, that if I touch the container, or even look at it too hard, it may explode. Covering me and the fridge in a gooey mess, and guys in hazmat suits will come bursting through the door to package up our refrigerator in some bio-dome thing, and I keep getting disturbing visions of being sprayed down by a fire hose in a concrete room, while a dude with a bristly broom scrubs my private parts.

  I don't know why the toxic oysters give me the hebby-jeebies? I mean, there's a block of cheese in the drawer thing, that isn't the crisper, where we keep the cheese and some unused packets of Soya Sauce, from the Spring Sun Restaurant, that has a healthy growth of mold on it. (the cheese has the mold, not the restaurant) I don't have any problem cutting a chunk of mold off of the cheese as I cut cubes to put on my salad. But then, you need bacteria to make cheese so somewhere in my brain, I've probably convinced myself mold on cheese only makes it better. The oysters just seem wrong.

  So, for now, I only give the tub of oysters passing glances to let it know that I'm aware of it, while still giving it the healthy dose of respect that it deserves. But it knows that I'm watching it, and one day, very soon, I'll have to deal with those unpleasant, out of date, shellfish.

...............unless of course, if I leave it long enough that my wife takes care of it first, then I'm off the hook.




This week, I'm dipping my toe into the Yeah Write waters to see if I sink or swim. Regardless of the outcome, it should be fun.  



74 comments:

  1. Oh no! Not the bristly broom on the privates, LOL!

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    1. Ya Debra, I NEVER want to go through THAT again! :)

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  2. Hahaha! This cracked me up! Well written. I loved this line, "Yet, now that I've been re-introduced to this tub of what is rapidly evolving into some sort of goo, every time I open the fridge, my eyes are drawn to it like it's a car wreck on the side of the road as I drive past, rubber-necking at 2 mph." :)

    As a single person, I know the feeling of seeing something in the fridge that I want to get rid of, but at the same time, not really wanting to deal with it. In my case, I'm usually waiting for garbage day, so it can go right into the trash and out to the curb. And there's something about any type of old seafood that is just so much worse than almost everything else. Ick!

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    1. Hi, Kianwi,

      Thanks so much! :)

      I know that it's sitting there but I don't really want to deal with it. There's a small window where I feel guilty that I had spent the money on it and feel that I should try to somehow salvage at least some of cost by grinding them up and fertilizing the plants or something. At this point though, we've blown way past any hope of recovering the 6 bucks or whatever we spent on them. :)

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  3. I telling Scott not to put anything in the vegetable crisper becasue I will forget that it exists and then find a bag of rotting grapes or lunch meat that has been in there for a month.

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    1. Hi Holly,

      Our fridge has 3 drawers so there's is always at least one of them that comes up with a mystery item at any given time. The thing that makes you scratch your head and wonder what it used to be. :)

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  4. I thought maybe you were going somewhere entirely different with that title! :-) This was so funny, brought back memories of a science project my daughter once did in grade school about the effects of temperature and light on mold growth. We had little dishes of moldy food growing everywhere... fridge, windowsill, dresser drawer, bathroom shelf, etc. I have to admit it is pretty cool to look at, until it reaches that slime stage, and you know if you pull the cover off it's going to stink to high heavens! This is definitely a Dude Write winner, Ken, hope you submit it! :-)

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    1. Hi Josie, thanks so much!

      Ya, I sort of used that title because of the possibility of having it go in a different direction. I'm mischievous like that. :)

      Fortunately, we didn't have to do any of those science projects. Unfortunately, we had far too many occasions that we couldn't blame on a science experiment, where somebody had inadvertently created a new life form under their bed or in the back of their closet.

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  5. Replies
    1. And I can stop at your fridge and pick up your jar of pink mystery goo as well?

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  6. This was funny, Ken. We always make oyster stew for Christmas, or close toit, now that Bill is on the road. They are definitely not something you want to leave sitting anywhere. I recomend gently putting them in a closed container and out in the can on trash day...the sooner the better. Good story!

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    1. Thanks McGuffy Ann! :)

      I think that oysters for Christmas may just be a tradition worth starting!

      They definitely have to go. Hopefully before the container starts swell and threatens to burst.

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  7. I think your avoidance has to do with the stories floating around about normal oysters being able to give people a nasty case of the shits. 2 month old oysters....definitely a bio hazard. I suggest some rubber gloves and straight into a bag that is going out to an outside trash bin because you know the minute they start warming up, they are going to stink like Satan's balls. Hopefully with the weather so cold way up there in Canada you won't alienate the neighbors. :-)

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    1. Hi Becky,

      "stink like Satan's balls." that certainly made me laugh! :)

      If I put it outside today, it should be frozen solid in less than a half hour. Good idea.

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  8. Ugh this is a guy thing. I cannot count the pieces of my Glad Ware collection I have thrown out due to not wanting to even analyze WTH my hubby put in that container and then shoved it to the back of the fridge.

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    1. Hi Gossip_Grl, thanks for the follow!

      Maybe it is, I'm not sure? But my wife is outnumbered 4 to 1 in this house, so if what you say is true, that doesn't bode to well for the future of our fridge! :)

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  9. I could weave a blanket with all the moldy stuff in my fridge!

    You see, we hate throwing out edible food so we stuff it in the fridge and wait for it to go bad before we get rid of it. It often goes forgotten or is hidden by all the good food. By the time we throw it out the containers go as well. And then we wonder why we have no storage containers for our food!

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    1. Hey Dan!

      That's sort of the same thing that happens to us. too much to throw out, not really enough to keep. Then it just gets up forgotten.

      A moldy, fridge stuff blanket! That's a terrible visual! I wonder if that's what they make snuggies out of?

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  10. Oh no, no, no. As a perpetual procrastinator I always have this issue with things in my fridge, and if they are particularly gross, touching them gives me the heeby-jeebies. I recommend gloves!

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    1. Hey Winopants! Thanks for the follow!

      My oysters are well on their way to particularly gross. Gloves my be in order? :)

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  11. Watch an episode of Hoarders. That'll make you get rid of those oysters really fast!

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    1. Hi Bee! Thanks for the follow!

      I hate to say it, but I may actually have a mild case of the hoarders. However, my wife was nearly cured me of this and I only twitch slightly now when she says we have to throw some stuff out. :)

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  12. So, um, I had a half gallon of milk explode in the past few months in my fridge. Apparently there is a point when the gases expand further than the jug can hold them. Now I'm better about getting rid of excess unused milk before it explodes, because I tell ya, that yogurt smell was ICK! And not fun to clean up!

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    1. P.S. Oh, and in anticipation of a certain visitor coming, I did the clean-out of the fridge last night and made sure to take the full trash bag straight out to the can for the collectors this morning!! :)

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    2. Hey BB!

      I hate to say this, but part of me is thinking, THAT'S SO FRICKEN COOL! But then, I'm not the one cleaning it up.

      There's nothing like company coming over to make us rush about like our hair is on fire, trying to clean up the place! I'm sure if there's any mess around, that's the last thing she's going to be paying attention to? ;)

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  13. Toxic Oysters would scare me too. Some parts of the refrigerator are taken over by new inhabitants.

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    1. I'm afraid to dig in any further. Whatever is living in there is leaving me alone as long as I don't disturb it.

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  14. It's a sad, sad day when a man is afraid to touch his own oysters.

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    1. I was always told I would go blind if I did that?

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    2. Haha! Kristin wins the comment award.

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  15. Oy! Toxic oysters... Do you have welding gloves and those super long tongs that they move bombs around with? I'd be using those...

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    1. I do have both of those things! But I was thinking more along the lines of one of those bomb disposal suits you see those guys wearing when they save the city from imminent destruction. Or better yet, maybe one of those robots? :)

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  16. I think your story captures the exact reason why we used to eat out five or six nights a week, and eat all our food. Now, w/ kids, not so much, and, like you, I maneuver around items in the fridge that the responsible me would compost right away, but the lazy me leaves, like you, for my wife to hopefully notice and dispose of. Which she never does of course. . .

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    1. There is no amount of putting toilet paper rolls on and lowering the toilet seat, or taking out the trash, that will buy me enough credit to have my wife take that tub of oysters out of the fridge.

      This one is solely, my baby to deal with!

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  17. I lose a lot of tupperware for this very same reason, sentencing it to death in the landfill.

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    1. It's good to know, that Tupperware is willing to take one for the team, and for the betterment of day to day life! :)

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  18. Ugh, yuck. There is always something in my fridge that I don't want to deal with, and I usually leave it there until the morning of garbage day so I can throw it right out at the curb.

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    1. I don't think that's such a bad plan. It's just a shame that the offending item has to be looked at on a daily basis until garbage day comes around. :)

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  19. AHH EWWWWWWW. Bleh. Sorry. I can barely handle milk past the expiration date. Burn the fridge down.

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    1. I can do the milk. It seems that I've been deemed, "house milk tester"!
      Whenever one of our kids says, is this milk still good? It's me that gets to take the sip of doom and give the thumbs up, or thumbs down.

      It's not really a very good gig.

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  20. Battle of the wills, eh? I lose that one to my husband every time. Apparently icky foodstuffs bother me more than him.

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    1. I could probably win the battle of the wills, But that's a battle that nobody wins at the end of the day.

      That, and she can go a lot longer without sex than I can, so I try to keep the playing field pretty level! :)

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  21. I found some really nasty old, old soup the other day that almost knocked me out when I threw it away. I needed a hazmat unit! But oysters? Yikes! I can only imagine! haha!

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    1. At least it was still recognizable as soup? It's when you open the container and say, "What the hell was this?" that your in trouble. :)

      Maybe I should market a home hazmat suit for occasions like this?

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  22. Ewww...just ewww! But I love your last line. Hilarious.

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  23. I'm feeling kind of gaggy right now. I can't even stand cleaning up a fresh empty tuna can. Oysters would probably have me hanging my head over the trash can.

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    1. Little son and I like to have sardines on toast once in a while. My wife can't stand sardines so we have to save that for when she's at work and he has a day off from school or something. I'll rinse and wash out the empty can before it goes into the garbage but when she comes home, she still always knows that we've had sardines!

      Sorry for making you gaggy. A little bit. :)

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  24. Oh how I love a post about costco and I know the fish guy you are talking about. And I think you need to have the oysters ejected asap, so you can keep writing about Costco and anything else you want because it's highly entertaining.

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    1. Thanks so much!

      And refrigerator eject buttons sound pretty intriguing? Million dollar idea! :)

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  25. I have to tell you, this post did not do good things for my digestion. I despise all things fishy, and to my way of thinking, oysters are just like big, living boogers, and that, my friend, is when they are fresh.

    I had to laugh when you said your wife might get them out. Do you watch "Everybody Loves Raymond?" When they leave the suitcase sitting on the landing of the steps, each waiting for the other to take it upstairs? And Ray puts the cheese in it to get Debra to move it because it stinks? (If you haven't seen it, hopefully you get the gist.

    Great writing!

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    1. Oyster are pretty darned fishy, even at the best of times!

      I seem to remember that episode, but I have to say, I don't think that i'd quite go the those lengths to get my wife to do the job for me. Even today at lunch I tossed the moldy cheese that I had talked about. Yet the oysters remain. Maybe I should have put that cheese on top of the oysters?

      .....just a thought? :)

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  26. "guys in hazmat suits...our refrigerator in some bio-dome thing..while a dude with a bristly broom scrubs my private parts.."
    Hey, this is some fun writing! I loved how you made these oysters so wonderfully disgusting. Great vivid imagery.
    Leslie (aka Gwen Moss)

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  27. "they're all, like moist and shit, and impossible to light" I actually laughed out loud on that part. So funny and horribly disgusting. I hate all seafood and I kind of wanted to puke reading this. I'd probably have to just get a new refrigerator if that happened here.

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    1. Thanks Michelle, I don't know whether it's a good or a bad thing that my writing makes so many people want to blow chunks? :)

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  28. Dear Goodness. I really liked raw oysters. Till now. This was great. Most of us (though not many would admit) have those things lurking in the refrigerator that we dare not touch. That's the good thing about having a baby sitter for overnight with the kids if we have to travel. I do usually get in there with my HazMat suit and clean out the fridge. V. funny post. I enjoyed your retelling.

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    1. I've never done raw oysters, although I would give them a try if the opportunity presented itself.

      There's nothing like all of those special occasions to make us have to do all of those terrible jobs that we keep putting off since the last special occasion.

      Thanks so much for your kind words. :)

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  29. I've had a lot of unintentional science projects in my fridge, but never oysters. That must be bio-class worthy!

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    1. It would, if i had any kids in a bio class right now.

      Unintentional science projects, I like that! :)

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  30. Hahahaha! And also? Gross! I have so been there. I've pulled stuff out of my fridge that is so covered in mold or has completely liquified that I have no idea what it started out as.

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    1. Those are always the worst. The items that you have no idea what they started out as being. :)

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  31. Haha! You are funny, and you write a good read. I feel like we're chatting. And, I would be really scared of those oysters. I hate letting things go bad in the fridge, and yet somehow, it still happens on a (semi-)regular basis. Sigh.

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    1. I'm so pleased that you feel that way. I put a fair bit of effort into trying to bring that across. :)

      There's always something hiding in the back that takes us by surprise, isn't there? :)

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  32. This was so entertaining to read! And so much grosser for me since I don't even like fresh oysters - even those are too slimy! Your strategy is used around my house all the time - I'm usually the one that pitches the scary stuff. I also take out the trash and change the TP. Hmm, something is wrong.

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    1. Thanks so much! :)

      My wife does do a lot of those gross type things. I have to take care of the bleeding kids. She doesn't do that AT ALL! I don't mind, so much. We have 3 boys, it actually happens a lot more than you would think. :)

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  33. Hi dear friend!

    This is just gross, and so relatable. My WORST 'chore' is cleaning out the frig, because we inevitably have stuff in the back of there from months ago ("THAT"S where that dish went!) that is disgusting and smelly and growing fur.

    I have had raw oysters once, a while back at the beach. It was not too bad on a cracker, doused in hot sauce and downed with ice cold beer. :)

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    1. Hello, my friend!

      I will take what we find hidden in the fridge, over the thing that I found stuck to the plate in one of my kids room the other day, any day of the week!

      And it is nice to get the complete set of dishes back together again isn't it. :)

      So, without the cracker and the hot sauce and the beer........not so good?

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  34. First time visiting your site. I loved this post. It reminded me of a time that I had to clean out my grandmother's panty. She had things in there that were (honest to god) 15 years old. Some of the canned items I took outside and stacked up to recycle them. I kid you not, but some of the cans DID explode! Beware of the oysters!! LOL

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    1. OH NO! I just saw I wrote 'panty' instead of 'pantry'. Huge Mistake!!! ;-)

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    2. Hi Tami, thanks for following. :)

      Funny how one little "r" could send you're comment in a completely different direction!

      My wife and I got a pretty good laugh over that mistake! :)

      The cans had exploded prior to moving them or while you were moving them? Yikes!

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  35. Hahaha. Oh she'll do it eventually, unless of course she's waiting you out - in that case you'll either look at it for the next year or eventually give in. Women are diabolical and stubborn like that.

    Good luck with your Oyster dump run. Eek!

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    1. Nice to see you around Carrie! :)

      I've seen the diabolical and stubborn part first hand. I try to be pretty careful, to not be the cause of having those particular traits come out. But it does happen, once in a while.

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  36. "Ken - inatractor" has been included in the Sites To See for this week. Be assured that I hope this helps to point many new visitors in your direction.

    http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2013/02/sites-to-see_1.html

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