Monday, July 08, 2013

#161. or, Camping and the Decline of Human Civilization.

 So, we went camping last week. It was our big holiday for the year. There's going to be a couple other weekend camping getaways, but this was the big one. We left on the Tuesday after Canada Day, because it's impossible get a site anymore on a long weekend, arrived in the midst of a terrible storm, and got back home last night. So, 5 nights.

  While we were gone, I did my best to stay away from here. I wanted to recharge my brain and aside from bombarding social media with various pictures of campfire food, I pretty much stuck to that.

  I missed you.........really, I did.

  Anyways, while I was gone, I did write a post on paper, with my pencil, on the beach. Which is something I find I'm doing more lately before I bring it here. Well, not the beach part, that was new. But now, because that post was about events that happened nearly 2 weeks ago, and now feels like ancient history, I'll probably just trash it. Unless I can find a way to resurrect it, that post about the Canadian Football League and Jesus will most likely never happen.

  What you get instead is a post about camping. Because it's fresh, and relevant, and topical as people head out on summer vacation. More than that, it's a post about observations I've made over the last week that hopefully, you might find useful if you find yourself heading out this summer to spend some time in the woods.

  Now, I'm not going to lie to you, we do our camping in a trailer, so we bring along a lot of the comforts of home. I'm not really sure if that qualifies as roughing it? In fact, we park in numbered sites, along side endless other trailers, so it's more like the city than where I actually live, except that there's more trees.......and fires......and outdoor crappers.

  Our trailer has it's own toilet. It's more of a closet, but it still serves the purpose. My family uses it, and it's quite nice to have it there in the middle of the night. Also, since my wife has an aversion to outhouses, it's a necessity. But if I get sticken to do some real damage, I'd rather take my business to an outside source. The thing is, campground outhouse toilet paper is only that in the broadest sense of the term. It's my suspicion, it's created by the same people who would have been in charge of coming up with devilish torture devices if this was medieval times. The same guy who thought of the rat in the bucket, strapped to your stomach, you saw on Game of Thrones. Campground outhouse toilet paper has approximately the same structural integrity, and softness of touch to the skin, as a dried leaf. Use too little, and your fingers crush right through, which is unpleasant as it sounds, and NO amount of squeeze bottle hand sanitizer is going to make OK! Use too much and you get the same unpleasant scrubbing sensation that you would get if you were to attack your backside with a handful of Caesar salad croutons. My advice is to bring your own! Toilet, or toilet paper, I don't care, you're not going to go wrong with either.

  Also, if you're the one who has to empty the chemical toilet, you should do your best to argue against corn being on any part of the menu while you're camping. Trust me on this.

  If you go camping, it's completely alright to spend the whole day in your pajamas. You can wear them to the store, you can wear them to the beach, when you're cooking, everywhere!  It's awesome and it's normal there. But don't forget to wear regular clothes your first day back to work. People will look at you oddly.

  When you're camping, you will see, and be quite alright with, more dudes with big knives than you have ANY business EVER being comfortable with.

  Unless you have an exceptionally big trailer, you are never going to feel comfortable having sex with your wife at one end of the trailer while your kid is sleeping at the other end. Or possibly more accurately, your wife will not be comfortable with it. If you're a guy, and you're in the mood, it probably won't be such a big deal.

  Two things that probably should never go together, open fires and drinking will be common place, and if you're lucky, will happen every night.

   I pride myself a tiny bit on my ability to make a fire in the most efficient manner possible. As a rule, if it takes more than one match, I begin to question my manly fire making skills. (most of which, I learned from my wife) I'm a little anal about it. I'll have kindling of various sizes in small piles, all within reaching distance to use consecutively as I move from tinder to substantial sized wood. Just in case the only wood available is damp,  I keep a supply of dry wood to use to start my fires, in the trailer. Although I'm not so hardcore as to try to start my fire by rubbing 2 sticks together or by sparking a couple rocks against each other, I rarely use paper or a lighter.

  The thing is, I have a bit of a handicap, when it comes to the use of lighters. Not with Zippos or the pocket jet lighters I use to light my cigars with when I'm sitting around the fire at night. Those are fine. I just can't work those long stemmed BBQ lighter things. Those ones that require you to move 2 tiny leavers in opposite directions, while contorting your mouth just right as you squeeze the trigger. They never ever work for me, and on the off chance I do get fire to spew from one end, I'll inevitably let go of one of the levers just before I can actually start the thing I want to on fire. Then I have to begin the whole process over again, only to end up throwing the frickin thing in the bush after about the 8th try.

  My wife keeps saying it's because my penis gets in the way. I know she's mocking me and my ability to operate that damned lighter because I'm a man. I like to think she means that I have an incredibly impressive appendage that keeps getting in the way of my proper operation minor hand tools.

  .....................whichever it is, if you're a guy, hearing an attractive woman tell you your penis is getting in the way of menial tasks, it's probably going to make you quietly nod your head as say "OH YA!" to yourself, rather than be offended for your fellow male, gendered comrades.


This week, I'm joining up with the Humor Me Blog Hop as well as the I Don't Like Monday's Blog Hop. If you like you some funny,or just some darned good writing, follow the links (click on the picture)


Misplaced Alaskan




30 comments:

  1. Ken, my friend,

    I can probably speak for all who will comment after me in saying that YOU have been missed! In fact, TRUE STORY: I opened up good ol' blogger thinking, "Wonder if Ken posted today?" and lookie what was on top of my reading list!? Whoo hoo!!

    But also, GOOD FOR YOU for unplugging a bit and recharging your batteries sans electronics!!! I know I need it from time to time, for sure. I have taken to writing on paper (legal pad) before too, and I truly love it, but I just don't do it enough. I'm at the point where I need to make up my mind - get down to some sort of business in writing SOMETHING or move on, ya know? To use an expression that seems fitting here with your post about crappers, my Mom would often exclaim to cars she would get behind when they were going too slow, seemingly lost or indecisive about their direction: "Poop or get off the pot!!!" Yeah, my Mom's a hoot.

    And then - croutons....OH MY GOSH, I SNORTED READING THAT! Thankfully I avoid them anyway when they are tossed, involuntarily, on my salad but I will now forever have THAT visual. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

    Your posts are always so welcoming and 'real'. Yeah, we've missed you a lot!

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    1. Hello, my friend!

      I'm a little embarrassed that you think so highly of me!(and blushing) But I'm glad you keep coming back to see what I come up with. I know it isn't always top shelf, but I keep trying.

      I've been using a small notebook to jot down any ideas that happen to pop into my head. There's too many times that I've had something I thought was golden and would have to remember, only to have it flitter away like so many other things in my head these days. I suppose it was only natural transition to want to write the whole thing out on paper as well. I really need to work on my penmanship though! It's deteriorated quite a bit since I had to use it with any regularity.

      I'm glad I've planted a seed to help deter you from those dreaded croutons! :)

      Delete
  2. It's been quite a while since i went camping and your post brought back a flood of memories. Glad you're back. I've been missing you.

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    1. Hi Stephen,

      I hope there some good memories in those I stirred up?

      Thanks.

      Delete
  3. You know what? Hospitals use that exact same brand of sandpapery ass wipe. I know this from bitter experience. If you ever find yourself in hospital, tell your friends and family to forget the flowers and balloons and to bring you rolls of soft Purex toilet paper instead.

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    1. Hi Debra!

      Hospital and campgrounds. Good to know! Perhaps there will be asses across the nation thanking us for this bit of valuable knowledge. :)

      Delete
  4. I liked this post - the closest I will ever come to camping is reading about it, so I now feel like a fulfilled camper. Thank you!

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    1. But.....you haven't had the chance to experience having all of your clothes smell like smoke and having your blood all sucked out by mosquitos! Hardly fulfilled! :)

      Delete
  5. I some friends come up to my farm to camp, a couple, and the guy simply refused to use a lighter or any fire bricks to start the fire. Trouble was that it had just rained. So we ended up standing around in the dark watching the stars and fireflies come out while he was lighting matches and softy swearing.

    And in the end he still had to use a fire brick and a lighter.

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    1. Hi Holly,

      Ya, that's why I bring my own dry wood to get it going now. It eliminates the tension in the trailer later on, after I've failed miserably for 45 minutes to get it going only to have my wife come along and have the fire sparked up and burning in under 5 minutes.

      Always learn from your mistakes. :)

      Delete
  6. Our family camped regularly when our boys were younger. It was fun! My requirement was a camper with a bathroom. There was no way I'd get in a camp shower with spiders crawling around. EEEEKK! So hubby gave in and got a camper. LOL

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    1. Hey Tami,

      This is our 2nd trailer. Like you, my wife put her foot down at what our accommodations would require when we headed out. I'm always impressed, watching those people with a van load of kids, camping in a tent, eating out of a cooler.

      .......then I go back in the trailer and get another cup of brewed coffee. I'm pretty soft. I blame it on my wife. :)

      Delete
  7. So good to have you back, Ken! I hope the vacation was relaxing! And I love your wife. I will start using that with my husband. *giggle*

    Thank you for joining up at the Humor Me! Blog Hop! You da man (on da machine!). :D

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    1. Hi Terrye,

      Thanks so much, it was certainly relaxing, but not near long enough.

      I'm sure my wife would be pleased to know her wisdom and wit is spreading across the continent. :)

      I wasn't sure if it was going to be the sort of post that would work there. But it seemed to fit into your shitty theme, so I figured, What the heck? :)

      Delete
  8. As always a great post. You have a way with words, and your thinking is much like my husband, Bill's thinking. I am glad you were able to get unplugged and tuned in to what is truly important. We all need to take time to do this, but often time goes astray. It is clear that you know what and who is important. Glad you are back.

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    1. Thank you, McGuffy Ann!

      I'm glad that I can tell a story in a way that makes people say, Hey, I know somebody that would think like that.

      I never really went anywhere, just was laying low for a bit. :)

      Delete
  9. I have NEVER been camping. I am a once upon a time tom boy gone girly girl. The one time I considered camping there were facilities on site but then I thought about the what if I have to pee in the night which is a given and changed my mind. I do know for a fact that I can handle that lighter that your manly parts gets in the way of. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Never been camping? I think I've probably slept in the woods more times than I've slept in a city. Although, I have to admit, the city DOES have better amenities.

      I think EVERYBODY can work one of those lighters better than I can!

      Delete
  10. Your blog hates me. I left a msg yesterday but it is not here :(

    I'm going camping this summer for a whole month! Not sure how it's going to turn out given how young my kids are but I think it'll be okay.

    It'll be okay right? RIGHT?!

    Hilarious post as always, glad you survived the yucky weather and I hope you get to vacation again soon!

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    1. Maybe my blog hates you, but I think you're cool! I'm glad you're persistent.

      We used to go with 2 boys and a baby in an 8 foot camper and we survived. I think you'll be fine.......but I'm not making any promises. :)

      Delete
  11. I love camping, but the potty part is always the hardest to deal with...and the fact that I don't like dirt in my tent. We keep talking about renting an RV which would satisfy my toilet issues. You talking about making a fire reminded me of my husband. Loved it!

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    1. Thank you Kate,

      There was a time, when I was younger and newly married, that I thought about tenting it. But I'm far too soft to do that these days. Even though I'm not all that bothered by a little dirt. :)

      Delete
  12. Hey Ken! So that's where you were. I know, I haven't been posting, but I do usually keep an eye out to see if you have :)

    I love camping, although I honestly prefer camping where you aren't next to a million other people. I have never camped in a camper though! I would like to try that. My grandpa used to have a camper that was in his back yard that we kids used to play in, and it was sooo much fun. I still think of campers like that :)

    Maybe we should do a blogger camping trip! We could all meet at a campground somewhere. I picture us in the evenings, all sitting around the fire...writing our posts. Ha ha, nah. I know we would all chat long into the night.

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    1. Hi Kianwi,

      When I was a kid, we would play in the camper in the yard we had as well. I'm pretty sure that we slept in that thing more times sitting right there on the ground, than we did on vacation someplace.

      A blogger camping trip. That's an interesting idea. But who the heck would we tweet all of our campfire pictures to? We'd all be sitting there looking at the same thing? :)

      Delete
  13. I miss camping. When my little guy gets a little older and less cranky every five minutes, we'll do it. I classify your experience as slightly more cushy roughing it, so it's all good. We missed you too and if your pencil and paper beach post doesn't end up here, at least it was a good exercise to keep the creative juices flowing. It does sound very Hemingway to sit on a beach in solitary with your pencil and your thoughts. He would've had a fifth of whiskey...but I digress. A blogger camping trip would be excellent! Blog post reading by the fire and a drinking game. Whenever someone says "douche canoe" or "ass hat" everybody drink! :)

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    1. Hi Linda,

      One of my favorite memories of a camping trip we took was when our youngest guy was just getting walking on his own. Every night, him and I would take a walk around the loop with him holding onto my finger with his tiny hand as we went. It played him right out and he slept right through the night. :)

      We wouldn't need a campfire on a blogger camping trip. The ambient glow from all of the laptops and cellphones would light up the night for miles! :)

      Delete
  14. I think it would be pretty dangerous being a farmer if one's penis gets in the way of even small, hand-held tools. Yikes! I'll echo other comments about your toilet paper insights being spot-on. That stuff's horrible.

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    1. Hey Reanna,

      Ya, I try my best to stay tucked away. :)

      Yes! I'm bringing my own luxuriously comfortable toilet paper with me from now on.

      Delete
  15. This camping experience sounds like ... my life .. when i was younger.. only we didn't live in a trailer. we lived in a regular house surrounded by trees and stuffs and we even had an outhouse......

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    1. When I was a kid, we had an outhouse that we used as well.

      I like to visit that lifestyle once in awhile. I'm not sure I'd want to live it. :)

      Delete