#163. or, Honey, Build me a Frickin Gate!

 It's nearing the end of July, and as far as I can remember, I've had my morning coffee on the deck, a grand total of one time this summer.

  Maybe twice, my brain doesn't cling to these details like it used to. But rest assured, it's a low number.

  Our deck, while useable, is still under construction. But that term, "under construction", conjures up images of exposed joists, and having to walk down a plank, from the door to get to the BBQ. Like some sort of rural pirate, without the ship.....or water......or, ruffled shirts for that matter. So, I tend to use the term "work in progress". What we have so far, is a split level space that is completely useable as it is. It's just not the vision my wife and I had in our heads when we dreamed of evenings with friends, sharing time on our deck with the ambient mood lighting, flickering citronella torches, all while I mixed drinks from the outdoor bar. It's a lovely, cozy space, perfectly suited to sharing a morning coffee on, with my wife in our pajamas. Or.......without the pajamas, depending on how badly we want to traumatize our kids.

  Except, because this is rapidly turning into the summer that wasn't, we rarely use that space. Every day we seem to have thunder showers roll through, making it damp and soggy out there. Not entirely inviting at all. And to top it off, our old dog, who is completely freaked out by thunder has decided that climbing up onto the patio furniture with his wet, muddy feet makes him safe from any impending, thundery doom. While his son, one of our other dogs, has taken to eating the cushions his father isn't using. So if, on the off chance, it happens to be a beautiful morning, or even evening for that matter, the place we would normally sit and enjoy that time looks more kennel than cozy.

This isn't a recent picture, there's less cushions now.

  My wife and I have recently begun a campaign to reclaim our deck. Or, as it's more casually come to be known as, Operation, HEY YOU DOGS, GET THE HELL OFF OF THE DECK!! Because that's what we yell out the door now, whenever we see them up there.

  We've let the dogs know of our intentions to take back our deckly sanctuary by going out, pointing forcefully at them, showing our stern faces and making pssshhht!, pssshhht! sounds like Cesar Millan does. I even trimmed my beard more into the style that Cesar Millan wears so I could be doubly threatening. And more awesome.......but it's mostly for the dogs.

  Whenever we wake up now, to a lawn full of patio furniture cushion stuffing after our dog has gone on, what I can only assume, has been a night of terror filled struggle as he battled the devil cushion until he was completely satisfied it was dead, I sometimes go for at least 30 minutes without petting him. Just so he knows I'm not terribly impressed with him, for protecting us from deck furniture.

  So now, we're planning to take our offensive assault to the next level. Well, mostly on my wife's urging. And when I say urging, I mean she said, she's NOT putting the new patio cushions, that we spent 130 DOLLARS on, out there until I build her a FRICKIN gate, to keep those GODDAMNED dogs off of the deck! AND, if I EVER want to see her out there in her pajamas again, or without pajamas for that matter, get the FRICKIN gate done!

  Because I'm a good listener, and I can pick up on subtleties and shit like that, I think I'm going to build that gate today.  I suspect she'll be pleased that I picked up on her hint and appreciate my efforts to make her happy. Also, I keep picturing her out there in her pajamas, and occasionally without them, so it's pretty important I get that job done.

  ...........plus, I get to use my power tools, so......bonus!