Friday, July 12, 2013

#162. or, Silicone Spatulas

  I am a campfire cooker. That's my thing. Well, one of my many talents. No.....not really, I mean yes, the campfire cooking, no, not too many talents.

  Whenever we go camping, I'm in charge of cooking the significant things we eat. Whenever I can, I do it on an open fire.

  I need to tell you here that primarily, my wife is the reason our family is as healthy as we are. She does the meal planning because I seem to lack that skill. If she asks me what we should have for supper tonight, most likely I'll draw a blank, freeze up with that deer in the headlights, glazed over, vacant eyes look, and give her my go-to answer. "UM.........nachos?" If the task were to fall to me, ours would be the home where you would come in and probably find a kid huddled in the corner in a tattered loincloth,  eyeballing the dog with visions of it on a spit over a fire on the back lawn.

  But when we're camping and she says, "here, cook this", I'm magically transformed into a combination of a kinder, gentler version of Gordon Ramsay and Bear Grylls. An Outback Iron Chef, if you will. Being able to do this, requires me to draw heavily on my vast and skilled knowledge of shop tools, and farm boy ingenuity.  My griddle handle is fashioned from a old pair of Vice Grips, and all of my bacon grease goes into an empty beer can that I've cut the top out of with a survival knife.

Fire, meat, Vice Grips.......yup!


  So, the one thing that I do cook on the campfire that's an actual combination of ingredients, is what I like to call my version of a campfire McGriddle. Basically, it's a large breakfast sausage patty with a slice of melted cheese on it, a couple fried eggs, all between 2 pancakes. I do this well, and I take pride in my ability to plate a desirable product that my family wants to eat.


This is why we come home from camping, 10 lbs heavier.

  The thing that has always bothered me while preparing this is that when you fry an egg on the campfire, the griddle surface is rarely flat. This causes my fried eggs to stretch out into unsightly, and unwieldy shapes. I was telling my wife of the grief this was causing me, and how I was going to have to go out to the shop to fabricate a metal ring by cutting a 1 inch metal strip of stainless steel, forming it around a piece of 4 inch pipe, tack welding it into position, and possibly, if I got fancy, fashioning some type of handle out of piece of heavy wire, a sheet metal screw and a chunk of old wooden broom handle.  (The blueprints are in my head if you're interested.)

   She went and got this giant rubber band looking thingy, and said, "here, use this."

  I have to tell you, I was more than skeptical. From a childhood on the farm spent trying to burn things that aren't necessarily meant to be burnt, rubber on the fire, while creating an awesome amount of thick black smoke, doesn't take long to be reduced into an oozing puddle. But because I trust my wife implicitly, and after 20 years together, know better that to question her intelligence, tossed the flimsy rubber ring onto the griddle.

  ............and it didn't melt, not to mention, working exceptionally well.

  Apparently, it's made of silicone? Silicone! The same stuff I use in the shop to glue the differential cover  back on the rear end of my pick-up, and seal the bathtub with. The same stuff they used to make bigger boobs with. They make frickin spatulas out of the stuff! Who knew?

  But more importantly, why did they not make the space shuttle out of this miracle witchcraft-ery!  Female astronauts with giant fake, silicone filled boobs, could rest at jiggly ease during the fiery re-entry through earth's atmosphere without any worries to whether or not they had lost any of the adhesive heat resistant tiles while hurtling through space at 20 000 miles per hour.  Plus, zero chance of dying in a crash landing because silicone is bouncy and returns to it's original shape. The possibilities are endless.

  Then they could go home to their families and make perfectly rounded eggs, every damned time, on open fires with flimsy silicone rings. Or at the very least, have their husbands do it.

  ...............and for the record, as much as I am in awe of silicone, I still like the natural boobs better.



  Joining up this weekend with the Yeah Write Moonshine grid, and the Humor Me Blog Hop. Click on the button to read some awesome blogs that are way better than mine.
 
Misplaced Alaskan



50 comments:

  1. Your version of the McGriddle looks ten times better. When's the next time you are camping so I can put it on my calendar? I'll bring my own plate and fork, promise.

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    1. I'll check my calendar, pencil you in, and get back to you on that. Are you just showing up for breakfast, or do I need to book extra sites as well? :)

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  2. Great story, Ken! I laughed all the way through it! So well written, I'm kind of envious.

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    1. WOW Debra! Thanks so much! You're making me blush here. :)

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  3. There were so many things in this post that made me giggle. Well done Mr. Outback Iron Chef!

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    1. Hey VV!

      That makes me happy. Thank you. :)

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  4. I would eat that McCampGriddle ANY time! Lovely to see you again, friend. :)

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    1. Thank you, Peach.

      I'm trying to be a good blogger and show up with at least a bit of a schedule. Sometimes I get lucky and do something that feeds me with a couple decent posts. :)

      Delete
  5. that is a kickass breakfast sandwich! and who knew about the silicone.. not me. :)

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    1. I didn't. But apparently it's everywhere? :)

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  6. All I have had to eat today was a cinnamon roll and a couple handfuls of trail mix. So yes, I might have attempted to lick the screen. Once. Or twice. A few times. A lot.

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    1. Hey Holly!

      You need a cow or some pigs on that farm of yours so you can get you some meat!

      ......although, cinnamon rolls........mmmmmmm......cinnamon rolls. :)

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  7. Im glad youre back from camping even if it means your cooking prowess is put on the back burner per se...I missed your blog. This one had me laughing start to finish.

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    1. Hi Zoe!

      I've been missing my blog as well. I've been trying to be better about posting regularly. I'm happy you thought it was good. :)

      Delete
  8. Thanks for sharing your camp/cooking skills. Nothing smells better than food cooking outdoors. I wish you could take me with you on your next outing.

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    1. Hi Stephen.

      It seems that a lot of people enjoy food cooked outdoors. Maybe I should sell the tractor, buy a food truck, and my wife and I could hit the road? I need her to come along because 1 thing on the menu isn't going to be a very profitable business.

      Delete
  9. Man that looks delicious. Way to go. The best I can do is throw frozen chicken in the oven and wait for it to become somewhat edible.

    Also, I'll be happy to obtain those blueprints, please!

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    1. Put me in the house and that's pretty much the extent of my cooking prowess as well.

      I'd be happy to send you those blueprints. Just sent $14.99 along with a self addressed, stamped envelope to Ken-inatractor's House of highly over-engineered cooking utensils. If you order today, I'll throw in my old spatula as I have a brand new silicone one now.

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    2. An old spatula and a creative blueprint for an untested cooking device?! How can I lose?! You can have my money! ALL OF IT!

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    3. Damn, I should have pursued a career in marketing!

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  10. Humorous post and I like your silicone analogies

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  11. Haha. I too love cooking over a camp fire, but silicone? Not so much.

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    1. Hi Natalie,

      Honestly! It was silicone ring designed specifically for cooking perfectly round eggs. It even has a little egg shaped handle. I was impressed. :)

      Delete
  12. Ken, this is the best thing I've read all week! I love "Um, . . .nachos?"; the campfire McGriddle (which looks delicious, by the way); your griddle handle; and the Outback Iron Chef. Thanks for making me laugh.

    Karen

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    1. WOW Karen, Thank you so much!

      I'm happy that it turned out to be a good story. :)

      Delete
  13. Dear Ken friend,

    I have been wanting to go camping lately. I think we may shoot for fall since it has been raining so much of late.

    This post made me smile. You would be a blast to camp with, I"m sure! Heck yes, if you can rig a contraption like that!

    That's my go - to answer too - chips and salsa or nachos. I could live on them.

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    1. Hello, my friend!

      As much of a good time it is to just be gone for a little while, we always seem to have more fun whenever we go camping with friends.

      I'm not sure how much of a blast I am, but I always try to have a good time when we're away. :)

      I really like the nachos. Maybe a little too much, the other day our youngest son came in and was disappointed we were having them for supper. He was all, "Ugghh....not nachos again!"

      I was happy though. :)

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  14. That looks yummy! If you want to get overwhelmed by silicone baking items, go to Bed Bath Beyond. They have Bundt pans, muffin tins - everything!

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    1. Silicone everything? Who knew? I guess it was inevitable. :)

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  15. Nachos for dinner FTW! My girlfriend does all the cooking in our family, no matter if we're inside or outside, just because I destroy everything I attempt to cook.

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    1. It's even better when we have beer with them.

      I never try to pass myself off as a cook. My wife is actually an awesome cook though and I'm glad about that because of my lack of culinary imagination. By the end of summer holidays, my kid is almost glad to go back to school because he's gotten so tired of eating the same thing for lunch for 2 months. Almost!

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  16. In light of how pancake thin boobs are pressed for mammograms, I am impressed with silicone too. Sorta off the subject but you did mention pancakes. I'm also impressed that natural boobs also spring back to life after being mashed to death. Okay that last part was probably TMI.

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    1. You don't have to be worried about going off topic here. And actually, you might find this hard to believe, but one of MY favorite hobbies is squishing boobs! Of course, I'm restricted to 1 set of them for squishing and am also impressed in the way they spring back to life. :)

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  17. Hilariously awesome! You and my other half need to get together and share campfire recipes. Oh, and maybe grunt a little like Tim the Toolman Taylor over your campfire creations.

    Now following you on Bloglovin.

    Suzanne @ www.timessquared.net/blog.html

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    1. THANKS! :)

      I was going to type out the grunting noises, and just made them out loud to try to decide what combination of letters spelt those sounds, but I'm not sure if there's a phonetic spelling for Rrrrough, Rrrough, Rrrough! (not sure if that's close?)

      I'll be sure to stop over at your sight shortly. :)

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  18. Ken, you are brilliant in a manly kinda way! :) Hubby uses the visegrips the same way! :) Love your ideas about the space shuttle - too bad the folks employed by the government aren't snooping on your blog - they could get some great ideas. ;)

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    1. Thanks Terrye, your husband sounds like an extremely wise and talented man.

      Maybe I should see if there's any positions open at NASA for an outside-of-the-box thinker? :)

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  19. Oh man, I am so damn hungry now. That looks awesome.

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    1. It's pretty filling, we usually eat breakfast late and it lasts straight through to supper.

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  20. Let's face it, no matter how you look at it, silicone is everyone's friend.

    Thanks for the laugh(s) and hooking up with us at the Humor Me Blog Hop! :-D

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    1. Everyones friend indeed!

      I'm glad I was able to make you smile. I felt bad that the weather improved and I got back to farming which prevented me from reading my way through the list. There's a lot of talent in there.

      Delete
  21. Damn, that's some impressive campfire cooking skill there! Made me hungry looking at it, so I got all the ingredients out of my fridge to make a meal - hard boiled egg and a tomato. Not quite a campfire McGriddle. :(

    I recently read "The 4-Hour Chef" by Tim Ferriss - pretty remarkable book that details cooking anything from a 4 star meal to spitting and cooking a squirrel. It may be up your alley.

    You absolutely need to send your silicone recommendations to NASA. It makes perfect sense to me.

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    1. Hey Reanna,

      Hard boiled eggs and tomatoes are more of my regular fare. I used to dread the summer when my wife was at work and the kids were out of school and I had to come up with something for lunch for them every day.

      I'll have to try to look that book up. You never know when you'll have to cook a squirrel? :)

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  22. Whoa. I don't know if that pancake sandwich thingy looks yummy or makes my stomach nervous. I bet it would be delicious going down, but not sure how I would fare afterward. Talk about a decadent meal!

    It's funny, because I just some silicone egg poachers. You crack the egg in them and then slip the whole thing into boiling water. I haven't tried them, yet, but your post has given me hope that I didnt' waste my money :)

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    1. Hi Kianwi!

      It's a lot of grub! We usually have breakfast late and skip lunch when we're camping, so it's really 2 meals in one. As for faring afterward, I guess that's dealt with in my previous post. :)

      Now that I'm actually looking for it, silicone cooking things are popping up all over!

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  23. Hey now! Don't be stepping on my toes there, Ken! Everyone knows I'm the go-to grill master and artist of campfire cooking of the blogosphere! As a professional let me just say you're doing it wrong! When you have mastered cooking on a campfire without the use of utensils then, and only then, will you be a true outdoors chef!

    Until then, don't be trying to steal my thunder! lol

    That Mcgriddle does look tasty though, I'll give you that!

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    1. Dan!

      I humbly bow to your superior skill of the grill.

      It was never my intention to steal any of your thunder, but rather to, emulate the master.

      Cooking on the grill without utensils? You will have to teach this art to me Yoda Dan, I am you pupil. However, I did whittle a fork out of a Y'd branch once when I forgot to bring one from home to eat my lunch in the field with, one time. Does that count?

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  24. This is the reason that women should fight forest fires.

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    1. .........it's always good to lead from the front?

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