Wednesday, July 24, 2013

#163. or, Honey, Build me a Frickin Gate!

 It's nearing the end of July, and as far as I can remember, I've had my morning coffee on the deck, a grand total of one time this summer.

  Maybe twice, my brain doesn't cling to these details like it used to. But rest assured, it's a low number.

  Our deck, while useable, is still under construction. But that term, "under construction", conjures up images of exposed joists, and having to walk down a plank, from the door to get to the BBQ. Like some sort of rural pirate, without the ship.....or water......or, ruffled shirts for that matter. So, I tend to use the term "work in progress". What we have so far, is a split level space that is completely useable as it is. It's just not the vision my wife and I had in our heads when we dreamed of evenings with friends, sharing time on our deck with the ambient mood lighting, flickering citronella torches, all while I mixed drinks from the outdoor bar. It's a lovely, cozy space, perfectly suited to sharing a morning coffee on, with my wife in our pajamas. Or.......without the pajamas, depending on how badly we want to traumatize our kids.

  Except, because this is rapidly turning into the summer that wasn't, we rarely use that space. Every day we seem to have thunder showers roll through, making it damp and soggy out there. Not entirely inviting at all. And to top it off, our old dog, who is completely freaked out by thunder has decided that climbing up onto the patio furniture with his wet, muddy feet makes him safe from any impending, thundery doom. While his son, one of our other dogs, has taken to eating the cushions his father isn't using. So if, on the off chance, it happens to be a beautiful morning, or even evening for that matter, the place we would normally sit and enjoy that time looks more kennel than cozy.

This isn't a recent picture, there's less cushions now.


  My wife and I have recently begun a campaign to reclaim our deck. Or, as it's more casually come to be known as, Operation, HEY YOU DOGS, GET THE HELL OFF OF THE DECK!! Because that's what we yell out the door now, whenever we see them up there.

  We've let the dogs know of our intentions to take back our deckly sanctuary by going out, pointing forcefully at them, showing our stern faces and making pssshhht!, pssshhht! sounds like Cesar Millan does. I even trimmed my beard more into the style that Cesar Millan wears so I could be doubly threatening. And more awesome.......but it's mostly for the dogs.

  Whenever we wake up now, to a lawn full of patio furniture cushion stuffing after our dog has gone on, what I can only assume, has been a night of terror filled struggle as he battled the devil cushion until he was completely satisfied it was dead, I sometimes go for at least 30 minutes without petting him. Just so he knows I'm not terribly impressed with him, for protecting us from deck furniture.

  So now, we're planning to take our offensive assault to the next level. Well, mostly on my wife's urging. And when I say urging, I mean she said, she's NOT putting the new patio cushions, that we spent 130 DOLLARS on, out there until I build her a FRICKIN gate, to keep those GODDAMNED dogs off of the deck! AND, if I EVER want to see her out there in her pajamas again, or without pajamas for that matter, get the FRICKIN gate done!

  Because I'm a good listener, and I can pick up on subtleties and shit like that, I think I'm going to build that gate today.  I suspect she'll be pleased that I picked up on her hint and appreciate my efforts to make her happy. Also, I keep picturing her out there in her pajamas, and occasionally without them, so it's pretty important I get that job done.

  ...........plus, I get to use my power tools, so......bonus!






30 comments:

  1. too funny. I'm so glad you are one of the few good men that pick up on those casual "sublteties" when it's in your face like that! Good for you. Your deck looks cozy. Thanks for the pic. Love the dog. but please spare us any pics of you and your wife unless you both have your pajamas ON!

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    1. Hi Lynn,

      I'll try not to get those photos confused when I go to the file to find one to post. Might be more than my kids who are traumatized! :)

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  2. You know, all that rain will dramatically increase the mosquito population so I don't really recommend running around outside nekkid on your deck.

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    1. Hey Debra,

      For some reason, mosquitos don't find me all that tasty. Might be because I'm a leathery, grizzled old bugger? My wife on the other hand, can hardly go outside without being attacked.

      That's why we have the citronella candles. I'd hate to have the mosquitos spoil the mood? :)

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  3. The image of a pretty naked woman and power tools---what more could a guy ask for?

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    1. Exactly, Stephen!

      .......well, maybe an icy cold beverage, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad? And I'm not going to push it.

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  4. It was another dark night. The clouds hid the devil cushion from his view. Yet, he knew it was there. Plotting. Waiting. Watching. Oh how innocent it seemed. Laying there immobile like that. How many times had he watched his people coming and going? Sitting there unaware of the danger? Too many to count. Too many mornings he had heard the low gurgle of that demon cushion as it lay under his most favorite humans. Laughing. Mocking him. Biding it's time to strike. But no longer. No longer. Tonight would end. Tonight one way or the other, it would finally be over.

    Tonight the stuffing would roll. Tonight there would be be vengeance.

    Tonight there would be... justice.

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    1. HOLLY!

      That's pretty damned awesome, if you ask me!

      But if he was going to get his justice, I wish the dog didn't do it by spreading it all across the front yard.

      Also, that low gurgle, it wasn't the cushion. It was me. Too many beers......sorry. :)

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  5. Now, Ken, if you would only let your dogs sleep in the bed with you, then your deck cushions would be safe at night!

    I'm so glad you deduced what your wife wanted so easily :) And I'm impressed that you can actually just go out and whip up a gate!

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    1. Hi Kianwi,

      I will say, I tried to let the dog sleep beside the bed once, But that didn't really work for either of us, so outside it is.

      I'm a good deducer. It's like this superpower that I have! :)

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  6. As I lie here (at 4am) for the fourth year in a row with a used (he was 10 and had lousy habits when I got him) dog pressed up against my back, I would kill for an outdoor deck...just sayin...build that frickin gait!...also hope you don't mind...kinda like chain mail so don't take it if you don't want it, but I nominated you for an award...I just love to read your stories! Thanks, Zoe

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    1. Hi Zoe!

      Used dog, eh? If he's sharing the bed< I hope he isn't too large?

      Not to worry, the gate is built.

      Thanks for the award Zoe! And also the sweet compliment! I used to do the awards, I didn't really stop, but I'm way way behind on doing a post on those that I received. I'll try to fix that. Thanks again. :)

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    2. We used to have a wayyyyy tooo large Australian Shepard that never got into the bed thank GOd...this one is a miniature poodle but he acts like a great dane.

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    3. I think I saw him in the picture on your post.

      Living larger than life. You have to admire that. :)

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  7. love the deck! and i think the dogs figured, hey, you're not using it. why let it go to waste. they're smart. one day you will have your coffee there in your pj's. :)

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    1. Thanks! The amount of time those dogs spend snoozing in the shade, I think they ARE the ones who have it all figured out. :)


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  8. ugh. That would make me crazy. I love our pets -- but they have a way of destroying things. Your deck looks awesome. I love to be outside too. Get out there for you coffee tomorrow before summer's gone.

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    1. Big rain here yesterday, so....still soggy. But soon!

      That pup of ours has certainly destroyed his fair share of things. Just waiting for him to grow out of that phase.

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  9. Ken!

    Hey, go you for picking up on the hints your wife has lovingly sent your way! Ha ha. Love the deck, and I am with you - where in the hang fire has summer been? Oh wait - I just found it, hiding out in the hills of Washington State because it SURE AS HECK hasn't been around my front porch lately. NOTHING BUT RAIN and clouds and drizzle and humidity for days and days (going on a month of daily showers). I keep feeling like I am waiting for summer to start, and it is almost over for me....(waaaaaaaah).

    So get out there on your deck, coffee in hand and enjoy what's left (pj's optional)!!!

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    1. Hello, my friend!

      I'm glad that you were able to trek out and find that summer! I was wondering where it had been.

      We have the brand new gate, we've replaced the damaged cushions, we have our pajamas.(or not) All we're waiting on now is a few consecutive days of sunshine. :)

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  10. Beautiful deck and I love the photo of your dog. I like that you took your wife's subtle hint.

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    1. Thank you so much. I do the best I can, sometimes I even get it right. :)

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  11. This made me smile the whole way through especially the ending. Improving your chances of seeing your bride with, or without, jammies! I get the dog thing remembering a visit to the vet when I told him how cute it was having our chocolate lab pup on the couch while I read. His comment, "How will you feel about an 85lb. dog on the couch? That's where this is headed." Point taken. And now it drives me nuts to see hair and slobber on the couch. Did you get the frickin' thing done yet? Happy Sunday!

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    1. Hi Gina!

      I know all too well about where things are headed. It's a bit of a pain in the backside, having that 85lb dog want to curl up in my lap these days because that's where he spent a lot of time as a pup!

      I did get that frickin thing done! And it also inspired me to work on getting some of our lower deck completed too. That jobs only been waiting a couple of years! :)

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  12. Devil cushion...tee hee. My great dane mix ate part of the couch this summer. Yes...the couch must also be the devil and by the looks of things, put up a good fight.

    Send a few storms my way, I love summer storms!

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    1. Hi!

      It's good that we have dogs that are big enough to tackle those evil things larger than slippers and old socks!

      I'd be happy to send a few storms your way, we've have more than our share this year. :)

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  13. See, this is exactly why I don't want dogs. As for power tools, I'm over them. I just gave away my table saw. As long as it stayed in my garage there was a chance Kellie would come up with some project for me to use it.

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    1. Sounds like you've learned the secret Joe? Nothing to do but chase your wife around the house!

      Perhaps you could do seminars and charge for this wisdom you've learned!

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  14. Your story reminds me WHY I got a gate in the first place. LOL
    Brings back {not to fond} memories of my doggies.
    I love your sense of humor!
    Good luck with the gate building. =)

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