Wednesday, June 10, 2015

#198. or, Good Looking

  I believe, that I may have made a mistake.

  Now, I know what you're thinking. Ken. That's just not possible, you must be wrong?

  Maybe it would be better if I started at the beginning.

  At some point over the last year, when I wasn't really paying attention, it became necessary whenever I tried to read anything, to hold that script at arms length. And in turn, when it became obvious that I was born with arms that were nowhere near long enough to continue reading anymore, my wife suggested that I may require glasses to read with.

  An appointment was made and in anticipation of probably having to wear glasses, I may have spent more time than I should have in front of the mirror with my sunglasses practicing dramatically taking them off by one arm, and waving them with authority to make a point. I also got quite good at removing the sunglasses, chewing the thingy that goes over my ear, and furrowing my brow while slightly nodding to portray intense concentration and super-human attentiveness.

  My wife said I was an idiot, because I have the attention span of a dog in a ball factory run by a workforce of squirrels.

  What does she know?

  Wait, where was I?

  The appointment! Right!

  So, it was determined that even though I can look across a 40 acre pasture and tell if a calf from a cow giving birth has both feet properly aligned during the process of calving, I am unable to actually read any book sized print without propping that book up and stepping back two paces. Reading glasses were most likely my best option, and my wife pointed out, it might not be a bad idea to get full time glasses with the reading portion incorporated into them so I always had them with me.

  I thought, Naw! I can still read a little bit, I'll be fine with the glasses just for reading.

  What I didn't count on though, was as soon as my eyes realized that reading glasses made all the difference in the world, they now pretty much say, "screw you!" anytime I try to read without them. Things I could at least get by with reading before, are now all just a blur without the glasses. And because I have glasses that are only good for reading, whenever I'm not trying to remember where I left them, they sit out at the end of my nose so I can look over the top of them to see anything distant but still look down through them to read.

  Which does nothing to perpetuate the illusion of youth and vitality that I've been trying to get away with since I turned 40.

  You'd think by now I'd know to listen to my wife in the first place. I'm starting to suspect that the things she suggests to make me look better than I am, might in fact be part of her own illusion to convince people that when we're out together, I really am allowed to be out in public.

  But the reading glasses do help a lot, and to be honest, when I have them on, anything within arms length is now bold and impressive. I've also noticed a newfound air of confidence about me ever since I've started wearing them when I go to take a leak. My wife says it's nice that I have such a good imagination. least I'll know I've got the dosage right when she says it's time for that Viagra prescription.


  1. I think I have 3 different strengths of the drugstore glasses kicking around and I still can't thread a needle. Not that there's any comparison between threading a needle and taking a leak.

    1. Hi Vanessa,

      well........I do happen to have pretty good aim? :)

  2. Your last 2 paragraphs made me laugh out loud! So great to have another story from you -- I was starting to think the worst.

    1. Yup Debra, still alive!

      Happy to make you laugh! :)

  3. I was going to type something very clever and memorable, but you probably can't read this anyway.

    1. Hey Katy!

      You can type something about clover and mashed potatoes any time you want! :)

  4. I'm home, and after having seen that you had a new post up, couldn't wait to read it.....with my sexy librarian glasses on, of course. Welcome to the club. I alternate between frustration at feeling 'tethered' to the stupid things and 'Oh thank you!!!!" that I can actually read something - daily. Such is life. Embrace it. Rock those readers!