Wednesday, November 04, 2015

#199. or, The Rise of the Comfortable Pants Gang

  I've been around for long enough to know, that in fashion, trends will come, and trends will go. And more likely than anything, we'll probably look back on some of them in ten or so years and wonder, what the hell was I thinking?!

  I'm looking at you, skinny jeans.

  Don't even to try to conjure up that image. There was never anything skinny enough about me to even entertain the thought of shoe-horning my man bits into the pants of a prepubescent boy.

  There are however, certain trends that have come to help define, and even add to the mythos of particular cultures. Say, for instance, cowboys and Wrangler jeans. I'd wager that if someone asked you to imagine up a cowboy and describe that image to you, your cowboy would be wearing  boots, a hat and Wrangler jeans. Those jeans have come to define that ideal even more than cows. And cows are part of the damned name and job description.  

  Recently, while in Costco, I discovered a technological advancement in fashion, the scale of which the world has very likely not seen before, or might not ever see again. Stretchy denim jeans!  Honestly, I don't even know if they're actual denim or not, I don't really care, because those freaking things are stretchy!

  Did I mention that those freaking things are stretchy?

  They're my new favorite goin-to-town jeans. I even own two pair now, just in case I need to go to town while the other pair is in the wash. If both pair are in the wash, I send someone else to town for parts.

  When I was younger. Probably last year. (that was a joke) There was nothing like slipping into a crisp pair of freshly washed jeans to make me feel emboldened, and teeming with sexual confidence. But, slipping into a pair of stretchy denim jeans is completely different. They're not empowering, as much as they are comfortable. It's almost like you're wearing pajamas, without the judging looks you get from actually wearing pajamas at one o'clock in the afternoon, or the chance of finding yourself on a People of Walmart internet page. They're  a metaphor for the place I am in life right now. Feeling pretty good in jeans, but not so much caring whether or not all my manly accents are on display. Not so much to be desired as a sex object, but just happy things still work well enough to have sex.

  The thing is, and I don't want you to think here that I spend a great deal of time looking at other mens asses, but lately I've been spending a good deal of time looking at other mens asses.

  For research purposes.

  You'd be surprised at the number of times I've been in a group of guys, where I've noticed more than one of us wearing those Costco stretchy jeans with the familiar stitching on the pocket. Granted, the demographic that I'm usually hanging with is middle-aged-farmer-guy, but it would seem, that the stretchy denim gang is on the rise.

  The thing that worries me though, is this.

  I'm not certain if any of my brothers, in the throes of stretchy denim bliss have noticed or not, but over the course of a day out and about, stretchy denim gets relaxed. I mean, really relaxed. To the point where I find myself continually hiking up my pants. I worry that this whole stretchy denim phenomenon might have all of us old guys, wandering around with our pants drooping down our backsides like a bunch of teenagers. Then how are we all going to sit at the CO-OP, drinking coffee, and yell at the kids to pull their pants up and get a job, while maintaining any sort of credibility?

  Of course, this could all be avoided with the use of a belt, but how comfortable are they? Besides, belts seem more like a fashion accessory when your waistline exceeds the girth of your hips. And who wants to complicate things with fashion accessories, when you want to feel like you're wearing old grey sweatpants and dressing for success at the same time?

  .........although, I might see a business opportunity in starting a line of casual pants/pajama belts. Anyone interested in funding me? 

  

  

  

21 comments:

  1. Suspenders, Ken ... maybe you could be the first to start a new trend? I, personally, am on a mission to eliminate ALL the stretchy jeans in my cupboard ... they seem to have a tendency to sag to that perfect spot where they rest just below my delightful mid-life paunch. It's terribly uncomfortable and probably not very flattering, either. :)

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    1. I thought suspenders were just for clowns and old guys?

      ........really old guys! :)

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  2. Ken I really hate to break this to you, but as a female who has always admired a nicely formed manly backside, it seems to me most men's buttocks migrate north at some point and transform into love-handles. Love-handles don't seem to have the same power to keep the waist of a pair of jeans where they belong and then we all get to witness plumber's crack.

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    1. Hey Vanessa
      So that's why my waist is getting bigger! Maybe a man girdle will force it all back down where it belongs?

      Is farmers crack a thing? :)

      Delete
  3. I am far from skinny but I wear skinny jeans with tunics and longer shirts and sweaters all the time. They always have some sort of spandex/lycra in them and I can work well in them (we own a restaurant so that means lots of walking-bending-squatting-stretching-carrying). I have also discovered some of my favorite boyfriend style jeans have some stretch in them as well and I can wear them several times before they stretch out. The cheaper the jeans, the baggier they seem to get. I think the secret is how much lycra is in them, read the tags. I also wear a belt with mine.

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    1. Hey Funny!

      There seems to be much more to this than I ever would have imagined!

      I have 2 kinds of pants. Jeans, and not jeans. :)

      Delete
  4. I absolutely love when I read someone's blog and it actually makes me snicker out loud. I did that multiple times reading this post. I seriously love your writing. :)

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    1. Hi VV!

      WOW! You're gonna give me a fat head over here!

      Thanks so much! It means a lot, since I'm really trying to get back to writing again. :)

      Delete
    2. I've missed his writing too!!!

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  5. The cool thing about the skinny jeans was that they didn't even look good when they were "in". We didn't have to wait for 10 years to look back and laugh.

    It is great to see you writing again, even if you are in stretchy Costco pseudojeans!

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    1. Hey Katy!!

      Ya, skinny jeans are definitely a trend I hope never returns!

      Me and my Costco pseudojeans are pleased that you mentioned that. I really didn't even think anyone noticed I wasn't here. :)

      Delete
  6. I discovered stretchy jeans a few years ago and have never looked back. The ones I buy also have an elasticized waist -- ooooooo, EXTRA comfy. But it means they have no belt loops, unlike yours apparently. Yes, mine also bag in all the wrong places and I have to pull them up once in a while, but who cares? A small price to pay for comfort. And I am long past caring what others think of my jeans.

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    1. Hey Debra!

      I haven't gotten the opportunity yet, as I had an abbreviated version of Thanksgiving dinner because of harvest, but I'm looking forward to not needing to undo my pants button after Christmas dinner! :)

      Delete
  7. Friend!
    Costco has stretchy jeans!?!? Sign me up!!!
    I discovered stretchy jeans, but by accident...and $110 later (that's some fancy shmancy elastic in them thar jeans!!), I am lovin' my stretchy 'lounge on the couch to zone out to 'Say yes to the Dress' marathons' by day, and paired with perky wedges for dinner out by night, jeans.

    I've missed your writing 'voice'!!!!

    Here's to more stretch and less skinny!

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    1. Hello, my friend!

      I know Costco has men's stretchy jeans, I suspect they should have women's as well. Although, my wife and I have never been able to find any of those zip-off-the-leg-and-magically-have-shorts pants, for her that, she got for me at Costco for traveling.

      I've given up even trying to wear pants when I get in at night. Soon as it's dark out, my pajama pants are on. So, in about a month from now, that will be at 4:00 in the afternoon. :)

      Delete
  8. I too enjoy a good Costco pair of jeans and everything else they want to feed me. And belts? Nope. More stretch, less wedge.

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    1. More stretch, less wedge.......if Costco put that on a sign beside their stretchy jeans, they'd never keep any in stock!

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  9. Suspenders. Seriously. If only for the opportunity to hook your thumbs behind them and lean back with an approving mumblegrunt while surveying all the land that is yours. That's the photo for your book jacket, right there.

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    1. Hey Jen!

      OH....mumblegrunt! Now that's the word my wife has been looking for to describe the sounds I make for quite some time!

      you're serious about the book thing? :)

      Delete
  10. Excellent post. You have an excellent way with words. You are so right about skinny jeans, ugh. I always tell the girls, "Don't date guys who wear skinny jeans. They are too chafed to be of any good!"

    I also find myself staring at men's asses, for research purposes but the research has nothing to do with jeans or stitching! Thank for the great giggle.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Toni!

      Nobody likes chafed bits!

      Sometimes, it takes years and years of data collecting if you're doing proper research! ;)

      Delete