#44. or, for you, martial arts guy

 *** I was hoping for some sort of inspiration to come along and whack me upside the head so I could write something new to send to Dude Write  this week. Alas, my head has gone un-whacked. I hope this older post will suffice.***


So, I think i've talked about this before. When you set up your blog, you can go onto your blogger dashboard (I really like the term blogger dashboard, it sounds so mechanical.) to see how many views that you have and what country the views are coming from. One of the other things that you get to see is what is generating a lot of those views. I have mostly facebook referrals,a couple twitter referrals, and quite a number of google searches for various combinations of the words ken-in-a-tractor. One of referring sights that keeps popping up is for a martial arts page?

  Now, I've gone to this page on a couple of different occasions, and I cannot for the life of me, find anything there that would lead a person to my blog. I can't help but imagine that somewhere out there, there's a fellow who's getting beaten up for his lunch money every day. In an effort to transform himself into a kung fu master, he googles a martial arts page, then ends up here, listening to some guy ramble about life in his tractor. I feel sorry for that guy.

  This post is for you, misled martial arts guy. If you end up here, I will now reveal unto you all of the martial arts knowledge that I have gleaned through my lifetime.

Sensei-Ken-In-A-Tractor's-Lessons-In-The-Martial-Arts:

1. For students over 40. With your left hand, arm extended, rub the wax onto the car in a circular motion. Then, with your right arm extended, you rub the wax off the car in a circular motion. Repeat this process about 20 000 times until you are thoroughly frustrated, and then, in an epiphany, you will know karate.

2. For students under 40. Standing in front of a coat hook (I think a nail in a tree will work equally well here.) you take your coat off and drop it on the ground. Then, you bend over and pick up your coat and hang it up on the hook. (or nail) Next, take your coat off the hook and put it back on. It is important that you preform each of the previous steps with "attitude". Again, repeat these steps about 20 000 times and only after you get thoroughly frustrated, will the true genius of these manoeuvres be revealed to you.

3. If you find yourself in an epic battle with sword wielding ninjas, the key to survival is endurance. They will, quite politely I think, stand back, jumping and doing kicks in the sidelines waiting their turn while they attack you one at a time.

4. Kung Fu (and the force) are in everything. Unfortunately, you will not realize this until after you have had the crap thoroughly beaten out of you. Once again, in an epiphany (kung fu seems to work in epiphanies) you will suddenly become calm and your opponents motions will turn into slow motion and you will easily be able to defeat them. Also, for this to happen, I think that you need to experience some sort of disabling injury and be miraculously healed by some sort of ancient oriental cure. However, it has happened spontaneously in exceptionally gifted pupils.

  ..............whoever you are, martial arts guy, I hope you find this helpful. Also, I think I need to mention here that I cannot be held responsible for any injuries received from following these steps.